Well, it is really hard to tell when a gal goes Manic, cause I can't tell until I am in the midst of it and have already done the damage. I really am debating on whether or not to go back on meds..I was reading about the different kinds of meds and they have pretty nasty side effects. The reasons why I stopped in the first place. I don't know if i can go through that again. I don't think so. I like walking to and from places. Those meds make me so dizzy. Guess I have to keep trucking on! I didn't get much sleep last night. Only 3 1/2 hrs. I could not get my busy mind to stop and felt I had so much to do. Well today I am going to try to relax (maybe sleep) and then take son to appt. later. We had a very eventful Valentines Day yesterday. I will write about it later (if I get around to it). Well have to finish getting the kids ready for school :)
Annie
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Mood Disorders
I want to write about my mood disorder. There is nothing bothering me more than this right now. I haven't had anxiety in a while, except the typical nervousness..I need to stop smoking, lol. But I haven't got dizzy in a while, and I am really thankful for that. Most of my life I have gotten that way, and this is a miracle. That is the reason why I don't want to go back on meds right now. I am trying my hardest to not do that, but it is really hard and I need the help from my friends and family to keep me sane and happy.
My mood right now is terrible and it gets me in trouble a lot with friends and family. I would snap at them and be horrible and be mean. The next I would be nice. I hate that. I am so sorry to all that have had this happen to. I feel really awful. If I could take back anything, it would be this. Also, I wish I could learn to "give" more to those I love. I am horrible at that. But right now, I wish I could smile more and forget about how depressed I am. Since my parents have mood problems myself, and I am not sure exactly what they have, it is hard to help myself. My biological dad, who I didn't know very well and only met him once since I was 3, has OCD. He is a "checker" and I have talked with him somewhat about it, but that doesn't help because I didn't really know him when he was like that. He takes meds for it. I don't get along with him on phone or email because to me he is just wierd and we would get into arguments over stupid stuff or he would say that I am having a fit. He lives in Colorodo. My mom, who lives in Florida, is a massive hoarder, and I think I very well get my moodiness from her. She is like super mean and abusive. She told me that depression is a weakness, and I cried my eyes out when she told that to me, cause she is my mom. I can't believe she said tha to me. My mom, is a piece of work. She abused me when I was a kid, and she said terrible things to me. She called me evil. But now that I look back, she was herself. And I see where I get my meanness from. I told my husband, I can't help it the way I am. I try really hard not to hurt people (physically or emotionally). But it feels like it is in my blood. It is just the way I am. And it hurts. So, I am trying my hardest to learn from this. Even though my mind is saying otherwise, I want to do good. It is hard when you have a mood disorder. I feel like the people around me are looking at me strange and I feel paranoid. Sometimes I am very outgoing and can talk to anyone and I am so happy at that point in time. But othertimes, I fall into this deep depression and I don't even know myself at that time. It feels like I am in another body. But I know I am not crazy. I just have a mood disorder. People think that people who have mood disorders are crazy, but they are not. I don't go out killing people. I just want to be normal.
So me and my family took our daughter to see Justin Biebers' movie, "Never Say Never" yesterday and it was so good. I didn't know how a little boy can be so talented. He is so fast and good with those drums and the singing was incredible. I wish I could have saw Backstreet Boys or NSync or New Kids on the Block when I was younger, but I never saw anyone. I was too shy. But for Jessica, I have never seen a little kid (6 years old) be so happy about a singing sensation and she is so excited about him. And so am I because I love that he makes her smile. So I want to take her to see Justin at one of his concerts when he comes her *again*. Or we will just have to go to where he is, lol. Because this would be my little girls dream. Crazy, huh? But until then, we will just have to wait.
But back to the mood disorder, I have a lot of insight with these things, since I major in Psychology and actually graduated college. That was my #1 goal. Since I was having the dizziness, I wasn't able to do the things that I wanted to do like get a job. But now that that part of my life is over (for now), who knows? Maybe writing this blog (I wish I would do it more instead of hiding my feelings) will help me overcome whatever it is that is holding me back. I don't get to talk to my therapist for that long. My friends (I think) already think I am crazy and my hubby, well I think he does too, but doesn't want to admit it. I am so thankful that he has stayed with me this long (12 years). I treat him so bad at times, and I can't live with that.
Oh, I wanted to talk about depersonalization or feeling numb to the point of not being able to have close relationships with people. Well, that is how I feel right now. It comes and goes. I guess I put a block up and don't let anyone get close. But how do I rip it down? I don't know. I don't feel close to anyone really..Now how is that? I can't feel that connection with my kids mainly. I don't know if Devin is going through that transition to becoming a teen or not (he is 11), but he doesn't want to talk to me much or he won't answer anything that I ask him. And I feel balistic when that happens. I don't know what to do. I mean for important stuff that I need to know. There is that controlling side of me that wants to make him talk...yeah. Well, I have to learn to not be so controlling. Gosh, my mom was that way. We are having family meetings, every Friday. It was Jasons' suggestion. I think it is a great idea. I wonder where he gets those from *sigh, lol* We had one yesterday, and I think it went well and the kids came up with great ideas. Until, Devin pissed me off with mimicking me. I can not stand for him doing that and why does he think he can? Well guess it is just one more thing I have to learn about kids his age. *sigh, lol* I am in for a long ride, lol.
Well, today I am doing ok..Jessica went with her dad to the "World Thinking Day" at the Lemoore High School for the Girl Scouts! I wanted to go! But I guess siblings aren't allowed, so I am staying here watching Devin. Not until he turns 12 will I let him stay here that long by himself. *Maybe* So I am thinking about doing laundry and some stuff around here. I just can not just sit on my butt. I wouldn't feel productive. And the house would be a mess. But I am so watching the Grammy Awards tomorrow! Oooh. Justin Bieber will be performing, and my fave singers, Eminem and others. I have also been watching American Idol! Haha. It is so good, I think, because I like the judges now. And the singers are so good! Ha. I love singing too and will do it when I am alone to my hearts content, lol. But guess I will write more later and better go do some stuff! Oh yeah, I wish people were actually reading my blogs...and comment. *Hint* Maybe they can learn something from me..I am not a bad person. I just have bad times, like everyone else..Hehe. BTW, I love you BFF. Thanks for being there for me. Wish I had more support from other people like I do from you and hubby. You are the best!
My mood right now is terrible and it gets me in trouble a lot with friends and family. I would snap at them and be horrible and be mean. The next I would be nice. I hate that. I am so sorry to all that have had this happen to. I feel really awful. If I could take back anything, it would be this. Also, I wish I could learn to "give" more to those I love. I am horrible at that. But right now, I wish I could smile more and forget about how depressed I am. Since my parents have mood problems myself, and I am not sure exactly what they have, it is hard to help myself. My biological dad, who I didn't know very well and only met him once since I was 3, has OCD. He is a "checker" and I have talked with him somewhat about it, but that doesn't help because I didn't really know him when he was like that. He takes meds for it. I don't get along with him on phone or email because to me he is just wierd and we would get into arguments over stupid stuff or he would say that I am having a fit. He lives in Colorodo. My mom, who lives in Florida, is a massive hoarder, and I think I very well get my moodiness from her. She is like super mean and abusive. She told me that depression is a weakness, and I cried my eyes out when she told that to me, cause she is my mom. I can't believe she said tha to me. My mom, is a piece of work. She abused me when I was a kid, and she said terrible things to me. She called me evil. But now that I look back, she was herself. And I see where I get my meanness from. I told my husband, I can't help it the way I am. I try really hard not to hurt people (physically or emotionally). But it feels like it is in my blood. It is just the way I am. And it hurts. So, I am trying my hardest to learn from this. Even though my mind is saying otherwise, I want to do good. It is hard when you have a mood disorder. I feel like the people around me are looking at me strange and I feel paranoid. Sometimes I am very outgoing and can talk to anyone and I am so happy at that point in time. But othertimes, I fall into this deep depression and I don't even know myself at that time. It feels like I am in another body. But I know I am not crazy. I just have a mood disorder. People think that people who have mood disorders are crazy, but they are not. I don't go out killing people. I just want to be normal.
So me and my family took our daughter to see Justin Biebers' movie, "Never Say Never" yesterday and it was so good. I didn't know how a little boy can be so talented. He is so fast and good with those drums and the singing was incredible. I wish I could have saw Backstreet Boys or NSync or New Kids on the Block when I was younger, but I never saw anyone. I was too shy. But for Jessica, I have never seen a little kid (6 years old) be so happy about a singing sensation and she is so excited about him. And so am I because I love that he makes her smile. So I want to take her to see Justin at one of his concerts when he comes her *again*. Or we will just have to go to where he is, lol. Because this would be my little girls dream. Crazy, huh? But until then, we will just have to wait.
But back to the mood disorder, I have a lot of insight with these things, since I major in Psychology and actually graduated college. That was my #1 goal. Since I was having the dizziness, I wasn't able to do the things that I wanted to do like get a job. But now that that part of my life is over (for now), who knows? Maybe writing this blog (I wish I would do it more instead of hiding my feelings) will help me overcome whatever it is that is holding me back. I don't get to talk to my therapist for that long. My friends (I think) already think I am crazy and my hubby, well I think he does too, but doesn't want to admit it. I am so thankful that he has stayed with me this long (12 years). I treat him so bad at times, and I can't live with that.
Oh, I wanted to talk about depersonalization or feeling numb to the point of not being able to have close relationships with people. Well, that is how I feel right now. It comes and goes. I guess I put a block up and don't let anyone get close. But how do I rip it down? I don't know. I don't feel close to anyone really..Now how is that? I can't feel that connection with my kids mainly. I don't know if Devin is going through that transition to becoming a teen or not (he is 11), but he doesn't want to talk to me much or he won't answer anything that I ask him. And I feel balistic when that happens. I don't know what to do. I mean for important stuff that I need to know. There is that controlling side of me that wants to make him talk...yeah. Well, I have to learn to not be so controlling. Gosh, my mom was that way. We are having family meetings, every Friday. It was Jasons' suggestion. I think it is a great idea. I wonder where he gets those from *sigh, lol* We had one yesterday, and I think it went well and the kids came up with great ideas. Until, Devin pissed me off with mimicking me. I can not stand for him doing that and why does he think he can? Well guess it is just one more thing I have to learn about kids his age. *sigh, lol* I am in for a long ride, lol.
Well, today I am doing ok..Jessica went with her dad to the "World Thinking Day" at the Lemoore High School for the Girl Scouts! I wanted to go! But I guess siblings aren't allowed, so I am staying here watching Devin. Not until he turns 12 will I let him stay here that long by himself. *Maybe* So I am thinking about doing laundry and some stuff around here. I just can not just sit on my butt. I wouldn't feel productive. And the house would be a mess. But I am so watching the Grammy Awards tomorrow! Oooh. Justin Bieber will be performing, and my fave singers, Eminem and others. I have also been watching American Idol! Haha. It is so good, I think, because I like the judges now. And the singers are so good! Ha. I love singing too and will do it when I am alone to my hearts content, lol. But guess I will write more later and better go do some stuff! Oh yeah, I wish people were actually reading my blogs...and comment. *Hint* Maybe they can learn something from me..I am not a bad person. I just have bad times, like everyone else..Hehe. BTW, I love you BFF. Thanks for being there for me. Wish I had more support from other people like I do from you and hubby. You are the best!
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