I thought that I would write a blog after I saw my dear friend writing her heart out and I see that it helps her! I just have so much on my mind and my plate right now...I need to do something with it. We (me and the kids) are at our apartment in San Antonio, Texas and we have had some tough times, but overall I think we are dealing pretty well. I am actually surprised at how well we are dealing. I really miss my husband and the kids do too. That is nothing new with being a military wife. I almost have all the boxes unpacked, but still the house in unorganized and doesn't feel as organized as it did in Lemoore. I still don't know where I put stuff. It is really hard. I am doing things slowly, since the kids are in school now and I have so much other things to worry about.
I had my Gastro appt. and the doctor was really nice and to the point. I was really tired that day cause I don't get that much sleep. I had just found out my husband has skin cancer and had been obsessing over that and also wondering if I do too. My mind starts to go crazy when I hear something like that and then I start googling things that I have never thought of before and my mind is just a mess. Well the gastro doctor wants to do a bunch of tests. The Fructose Breath Test, the Lactose Breath Test, an Endoscopy Procedure, and a Colonoscopy Procedure. 2 of them I need someone to drive me. He said that if the tests come out negative I might have to go back on my Xanax for Anxiety or the low-dose anti-depressant or some other things. I told him back in Dec. I had stopped my meds. My symptoms for my stomach didn't happen until March. when we found out Jason was retiring and I was obsessing over if I will be able to pay the bills or not. I have appts. for the kids to deal with their issues. I really hope it helps. They will see a Psychologist seperately. Jessicas' is for her anxiety and Devins is for his ADHD and also for his behavior. I am thinking he might have a mood disorder like me. But I would like to get to the bottom of what is bothering him instead of trying to cover it up with meds. He won't talk to me about things and he fights me every chance. I am having a tough time with him just about every day. When I think he is having a good day, things go to shit. He doesn't want to make an effort, and I can't force him.My husbands answer is to beat the shit out of him, but he won't do it himself. He doesn't know all the stress I go through with him. I do pop him in the mouth when he talks back or get in his face when he does wrong. There is no being nice with my son. He intentionally lies about things and makes up stories. Sometimes I don't even know if he knows he is doing it. He does the opposite of what I tell him to do. I just can't take it any more. I have not been the kind of parent that lets him get away with things. In fact, I ride his ass most of the time. It is complicated.
With all these appts. now, how am I gonna get a job soon. Jess is also being evaluated for PT/OT. Maybe I should just stop taking care of the kids and take care of our finances and get the damn job and forget about everything else. I already applied for a few places and then I was like, "fuck it". What did I do making all these doc appts. Really bad timing. We are basically out of money for the exception of me saving for retirement and putting money in savings for when my honey is out of a job. Still it won't be enough though. I have never been good at the finances. I don't know why my hubby relies on me to do it. Seems like ever since I got off my meds in Dec. things have been going to shit for me. I made us more into debt, mess up on the check book here and there and make silly finance diecisions. I think I need to go back on them but hubby doesn't want me to. He says I am way better without them. I am because I haven't had the dizziness that prevented me from working in the first place and I am more stable with taking care of myself and the kids and the whole shabang. But the finances need a little help, and with my Bipolar little head, it just isn't working and I have no help. Everything is just left on my shoulders. I know I think I know what I am doing most of the time, but sometimes I need help.
Today was just one of those moments for me. I was getting on Devin about things and I lost it. My mind just keeps on going...my mouth just keeps on going. I end up in a rampage hating everyone, including myself. Cause I know that I didn't mean most of those things. When I get in a Bipolar rampage, there is no stopping me. Until I crash and burn and do care any more. That is what happened afterwards. I got depressed and just tried to sleep it off, as if it were a bad dream. Then I feel guilty. It is me being crazy agiain. I don't know how to stop it. If I were taking meds, I think it would help me.
Anyways, the kids need me. I need to cook for them and clean and tell them to take baths. Get groceries for them. I am tired, tired of it all. Not taking care of them, but the struggling to do it. I have run out of energy. Well, my real friends will understand all of this. The ones that do not, i don't care, cause you aren't my friends. I had an old church friend text me today. It seems like she only wants to know the bad details of my life and not know how i am really doing. She seemed like she wanted to dig into it by asking all kinds of personal questions. Are you and your hubby together still? Do you like it in Texas? So I told her exactly what I thought.Damn people need to stop being so nosey.
