I took a long time away from writing because our very eventful life. There is never a dull moment, it seems like. I am writing today because my daughter got sick at Girl Scouts again and it may not seem like I worry about it, but it just makes me sad as a mother. My daughter has been dealing with Panic Disorder all her life, since she was about 9 months old. How do I know this? Because I know the symptoms. I lived it from age 17 to age 34. It really started when I was 14, but I really remember it as a senior in High School. When I started working! Well anyways, I started talking to my daughter after she came home and I was tucking the kids in for bed. Since I have been through it, I really want her to know she is not alone. I wanted to talk to her about it maybe tomorrow or something when she wasn't so drowsy from a panic attack, but she wanted to talk about it. She is only 7 years old, can you believe it? Yes, even babies can have it...at 9 mos. for her. She was seeing a neurologist for a while and just he diagnosed her with partial siezures and she was taking medicine for it. I accepted it ( but had an open mind) and the medicine didn't help her when she gets dizzy. It seemed to make it worse. I really knew she had an anxiety disorder. I majored in Psychology and I have lived through anxiety all my life. I would have the same symptoms that she has. The dizziness..so dizzy I couldn't even walk. Sometimes I would have to crawl. Or even sitting down in the middle of a post office because I was so dizzy I couldn't see straight and my legs felt like jello. I learned not to care what people thought, and that I need to take care of myself. I knew I was in trouble and had no help, so I had to do it all alone. No one understood. It feels really lonely. Imagine waking up every day scared to death of doing anything and even walking around your own house, or going outside to get the mail scares you. Because your heart beats so fast and you are trembling and can't walk straight, you look like you are drunk. How do I explain this to people? Well most people who have anxiety don't get that dizzy. I couldn't find any support. Imagine taking care of two young kids like this and all you can think about is how you are going to get through the day. I had to be strong for them and hold it in. Not let them know what was wrong with me. I would get so dizzy and not be able to walk in my house or doing errands or taking them to school, but I had to do it anyways. I cleaned the house, did errands, Christmas shopping, all that even with the way I felt.
Well the reason why I am saying all this is not for pity or for people to feel sorry for me or treat me any less. The way I feel or my daughter feels when she has panic attacks is very painful because of the way people are judging her (us). I am tired of all the stares or bad looks or people brushing off like it is no big deal. It is all in our head. Or she is just shy. I know (because I am in a new place) that people don't really know what is going on, and I haven't told them. Maybe it is my fault cause I don't want to embarrass her. I feel it is no ones business, actually. But for my daughter to go through it right now is breaking my heart. It only happens for her right now once in a blue moon, so it has gotten a lot better. Girl Scouts is the one right now that she doesn't feel completely comfortable. I know little kids don't understand what she is going through and they might point or laugh or talk. But adults, come on! The only thing I can do is educate others about this disorder, and maybe people will understand more. Anxiety is really more common than people think. A lot of people are ashamed of their anxiety or depression. For me, I want to shout that I am Bipolar 2, rapid cycling..... so everyone will know and there will be no worries. So I won't have to hide any more. I still have anxiety sometimes, especially when I started taking Bipolar meds again 3 weeks ago. It was terrible. My son has a mood disorder and ADHD...it runs in the family. I hope everyone understands that this is not fun and is pure living HELL...I am not saying that there are not worse things out there like cancer....my husband is a cancer survivor ( YAY!) But anxiety does feel like you are dying and losing control. It is one of those things where you have to actually live it to know what I am talking about.
Back to my daughter...(isn't she a sweet thing?)
I really want to teach her how to overcome her challenges...she has had a very hard life (balance problems included and speech.. had to go to therapy a good part of her life) and now this. Her speech has improved, but she still needs some help. I hate how people or kids stare at her when she talks like she is an alien...cause she talks like a baby when she can't pronounce things...she is a very beautiful girl who has challenges and I am very proud of how far she has come! She can actually read now! That is awesome! This is the first year that she can read. She is not perfect, but getting there. She was so self-conscious of that. I think she has great teachers at Galm, cause no one else can teach her like that. Not even me, cause I am not a good teacher. I keep getting side-tracked (that is either the mania in me or ADD, can't tell). Right now we are working on how she breaths when she has an attack. I think my experience and talking her through it really helps so much. There are things that I want to point out that makes it worse: things going fast around (too much stimulation), people talking to ya during an episode, tiredness, inferiority, people staring at you, and your own body symptoms during an attack. Most people don't know about these and when you are talking to us trying to cheer us up, well it is not working. Only if they are with a safe person does it help. When I say safe person, I mean a close friend, parent (in Jess' case), my hubby (or daddy), etc. Because it is just plain embarrassing with anyone else. One other thing that I want to mention is that distraction helps! I had to teach my husband this. He would talk to me and make me laugh or show me things to take my mind off of it. Sometimes acknowledging it helps too. In Jessicas' case, her tummy muscles tighten up so much and the nervousness that she gets nautious and throws up. That is normal, and she is not sick. She is usually better afterwards, but still dizzy and very very tired like she can fall asleep right there. I get that way too and I have to leave right away sometimes. That is why when this happens to her at an event or out in public, I have to leave right away. I usually end up carrying her out to the car where she feels safe. Cause she will end up throwing up. It never fails. I do have her tough it out when I think is appropriate. I don't baby her or give her the idea that she can't handle it. Today when she was dizzy though, after she threw up, I made her get up and get the patch that she earned in Girl Scouts..well I tried, but bad idea cause she threw up. I knew she was going to by the look on her face and she was putting her hand on her mouth. Bad call mom. I try to teach her to deal with it and not escape everything. If she learns this now, then she won't have to endure the pain that I went through. She is not good in crowds or around a lot of people, and I understand that. I couldn't even go in a freaking mall and now I can. It took me 18 years of my life to understand mine and overcome it. I could not work. I just want for people to be aware of people that have disadvantages or challenges in life that they have to live with every day. We are no different than other people...well let me re-phrase that. We are ALL different, but the same. If that makes sense. Please don't treat us like aliens. Cause people look at us that way. That is how I feel in San Antonio, but I know it is because we are not from here, so people notice that and are curious of what we are like. Well, that is what I was told anyways. Sounds like people are very stuck up, either that or ignorant. I don't want my daughter to grow up like I did hating every one else because of the way I was treated or looked at. It is not their fault for their stupidity, or ignorance. It is my fault for not letting them know and educating them. I guess we are ALL stuck up human beings, because I had too much ego to explain. (In my mind it was shamefulness...is that a word?) Underneath all that cowardness I am strong! lol. Well I think my daughter is going to be one tough cookie just like me. Our life is big enough to write a book about. 'Till next time!
