I thought that I would write a blog after I saw my dear friend writing her heart out and I see that it helps her! I just have so much on my mind and my plate right now...I need to do something with it. We (me and the kids) are at our apartment in San Antonio, Texas and we have had some tough times, but overall I think we are dealing pretty well. I am actually surprised at how well we are dealing. I really miss my husband and the kids do too. That is nothing new with being a military wife. I almost have all the boxes unpacked, but still the house in unorganized and doesn't feel as organized as it did in Lemoore. I still don't know where I put stuff. It is really hard. I am doing things slowly, since the kids are in school now and I have so much other things to worry about.
I had my Gastro appt. and the doctor was really nice and to the point. I was really tired that day cause I don't get that much sleep. I had just found out my husband has skin cancer and had been obsessing over that and also wondering if I do too. My mind starts to go crazy when I hear something like that and then I start googling things that I have never thought of before and my mind is just a mess. Well the gastro doctor wants to do a bunch of tests. The Fructose Breath Test, the Lactose Breath Test, an Endoscopy Procedure, and a Colonoscopy Procedure. 2 of them I need someone to drive me. He said that if the tests come out negative I might have to go back on my Xanax for Anxiety or the low-dose anti-depressant or some other things. I told him back in Dec. I had stopped my meds. My symptoms for my stomach didn't happen until March. when we found out Jason was retiring and I was obsessing over if I will be able to pay the bills or not. I have appts. for the kids to deal with their issues. I really hope it helps. They will see a Psychologist seperately. Jessicas' is for her anxiety and Devins is for his ADHD and also for his behavior. I am thinking he might have a mood disorder like me. But I would like to get to the bottom of what is bothering him instead of trying to cover it up with meds. He won't talk to me about things and he fights me every chance. I am having a tough time with him just about every day. When I think he is having a good day, things go to shit. He doesn't want to make an effort, and I can't force him.My husbands answer is to beat the shit out of him, but he won't do it himself. He doesn't know all the stress I go through with him. I do pop him in the mouth when he talks back or get in his face when he does wrong. There is no being nice with my son. He intentionally lies about things and makes up stories. Sometimes I don't even know if he knows he is doing it. He does the opposite of what I tell him to do. I just can't take it any more. I have not been the kind of parent that lets him get away with things. In fact, I ride his ass most of the time. It is complicated.
With all these appts. now, how am I gonna get a job soon. Jess is also being evaluated for PT/OT. Maybe I should just stop taking care of the kids and take care of our finances and get the damn job and forget about everything else. I already applied for a few places and then I was like, "fuck it". What did I do making all these doc appts. Really bad timing. We are basically out of money for the exception of me saving for retirement and putting money in savings for when my honey is out of a job. Still it won't be enough though. I have never been good at the finances. I don't know why my hubby relies on me to do it. Seems like ever since I got off my meds in Dec. things have been going to shit for me. I made us more into debt, mess up on the check book here and there and make silly finance diecisions. I think I need to go back on them but hubby doesn't want me to. He says I am way better without them. I am because I haven't had the dizziness that prevented me from working in the first place and I am more stable with taking care of myself and the kids and the whole shabang. But the finances need a little help, and with my Bipolar little head, it just isn't working and I have no help. Everything is just left on my shoulders. I know I think I know what I am doing most of the time, but sometimes I need help.
Today was just one of those moments for me. I was getting on Devin about things and I lost it. My mind just keeps on going...my mouth just keeps on going. I end up in a rampage hating everyone, including myself. Cause I know that I didn't mean most of those things. When I get in a Bipolar rampage, there is no stopping me. Until I crash and burn and do care any more. That is what happened afterwards. I got depressed and just tried to sleep it off, as if it were a bad dream. Then I feel guilty. It is me being crazy agiain. I don't know how to stop it. If I were taking meds, I think it would help me.
Anyways, the kids need me. I need to cook for them and clean and tell them to take baths. Get groceries for them. I am tired, tired of it all. Not taking care of them, but the struggling to do it. I have run out of energy. Well, my real friends will understand all of this. The ones that do not, i don't care, cause you aren't my friends. I had an old church friend text me today. It seems like she only wants to know the bad details of my life and not know how i am really doing. She seemed like she wanted to dig into it by asking all kinds of personal questions. Are you and your hubby together still? Do you like it in Texas? So I told her exactly what I thought.Damn people need to stop being so nosey.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Thought I would write in the blog...
Don't know I I avoid writing in this thing. Writing about my feelings has never been my strong point. But here goes. We have come a long way with our move process. My husband said they gave him his paperwork for living in the barracks, so we know now that he has a place to stay when he comes back here to California. He is doing his medical for retirement and he has a lot of appointments in the next couple of weeks. So today he is getting an MRI on his knee. Funny, cause I didn't know he had anything wrong with his knee, but after talking with his doc, they wanted to check it out. I am wondering about his wrist that is swelling and the sore that won't go away more though.
I don't know why I am having my stupid appointments for a GI doc and an orthopedic doc right before i leave. I hope they can help me right now, cause I don't have the time for this. My mind is racing to get things done. My PCM thinks I may have Irritible Bowel Disease and that may be why my ankles are swelling and hurting. I hope that is the case. Seems to fit though.
My daughter I am worried about though. I hope she is not going to have many more problems with this move. Since she was dx with anxiety and of course cause her mother has it, she is going to worry a lot more than others. She is fidgeting a lot more than usual, and picking at her scabs and tooth she feels is loose. She is asking a lot more questions and wanting to spend more time with me. She is really clingy right now and wants to be with me all the time even though she says she loves Dad more, lol. Even though I get mad at her a lot for being this way. I would handle it better if she wasn't constantly crowding me. I know she is more anxious now of the unknown, and i talk alot to her about it. Because I know if I don't, her symptoms will be a lot worse, and I will get a call from her school every day to go get her because she is dizzy or throwing up. No one knows what I go through with her. And thanks everyone for the support and telling me to relax, breathe and take things slow, but that is all i am doing right now. I could be panicking or reacting like i used to, but i am different. I wish people could see that. But that is not the point.
Devin is stressed and having a hard time understand why I had mother-daughter time with her for 2 days and why I am spending more time with her. I know he understands, and he gets tired of me saying that he is the older one. So he gets jealous a lot of her, and tries to take it out on her by hurting her or teasing or irritating her. I know how to handle that with my kids. That is the easy part. I think I discipline them very well. Devin has to wash the dishes by hand now, since he doesn't want to rinse them off to put them in the dishwasher. I opened it up and found a whole mess of food in there. We already went through one dishwasher because of that, and the last time, it was fixed with running bleach in there and then vinegar. But next time, they are going to make us pay for it. So I spend a while teaching him how to do them by hand. I was going to tell him the other day that we can switch up his chore with something else, but he didn't want to hear what i had to say, so I changed my mind. He will learn some day. I also told him that with each chore, he has to spend at least 30 minutes doing it, if not more to get it done. So if there is not much dishes, he has to find something else to do for that chore until the 30 minutes is up whether it is cleaning out the cuboards or stacking the dishes better or scrubbing the sink. Cause he wants to rush through it and make careless mistakes. That was the word of the day for him. And if he fails to do it properly, I add on 15 min. That ought to show him how pissed i was.
So anyways, back with the move. I am not anywhere near done preparing for this as I want to be. I have things that pop in my head that I have not done yet. I have my list of things to do, but it seems to get longer as I remember. My husbands work schedule has changed again. He goes at 1:30-2pm and gets off around 11:30pm. Comes home around 12:30 am. I like this better, but wish i had another pair of hands. I try to explain to the kids that one of us has to work to make money. I know my youngest doesn't understand this and wants him home all the time. She has severe anxiety issues. I might seek a therapist for her when we get settled in Texas. I am just glad that I don't have to deal with anxiety or dizziness. The last time I felt that way was Dec. 2010 and am thankful that it went away, but it is affecting my little girl. I have had it since I was a teenager, but she has had it since 9 months old! At least I can tell her how to deal with it. She will know my little secrets how to control anxiety. I am such an expert on that now, lol.
Gosh, I am often getting distracting with things, cause I noticed that in the last paragraph i was going to talk about the move again and I ended up talking about something else. I guess my subconscious thoughts are showing up. I know we will get through this part. The next stage in our moving process is what i am worried about. The finding a job and getting kids into school. Will I be able to find a job or will be living in poverty? My kids have never experienced this and don't want them to. I just hope I am able to handle it. But like someone said, you will be surprised at what can happen in a stressful situation. Everything will work out. Can't stop thinking also that we will have double the bills after we move because my husband will be in California on the base living in the barracks and we will be in Texas. They said they are taking away his food money and giving him a chow card. wow. Then also, we will be paying for double the gas, his groceries, our groceries, his cell phone, ours, and everything else he needs. I hope he will let me know what he takes out.Well, I think I will end this now, hope you all have a good day!
I don't know why I am having my stupid appointments for a GI doc and an orthopedic doc right before i leave. I hope they can help me right now, cause I don't have the time for this. My mind is racing to get things done. My PCM thinks I may have Irritible Bowel Disease and that may be why my ankles are swelling and hurting. I hope that is the case. Seems to fit though.
My daughter I am worried about though. I hope she is not going to have many more problems with this move. Since she was dx with anxiety and of course cause her mother has it, she is going to worry a lot more than others. She is fidgeting a lot more than usual, and picking at her scabs and tooth she feels is loose. She is asking a lot more questions and wanting to spend more time with me. She is really clingy right now and wants to be with me all the time even though she says she loves Dad more, lol. Even though I get mad at her a lot for being this way. I would handle it better if she wasn't constantly crowding me. I know she is more anxious now of the unknown, and i talk alot to her about it. Because I know if I don't, her symptoms will be a lot worse, and I will get a call from her school every day to go get her because she is dizzy or throwing up. No one knows what I go through with her. And thanks everyone for the support and telling me to relax, breathe and take things slow, but that is all i am doing right now. I could be panicking or reacting like i used to, but i am different. I wish people could see that. But that is not the point.
Devin is stressed and having a hard time understand why I had mother-daughter time with her for 2 days and why I am spending more time with her. I know he understands, and he gets tired of me saying that he is the older one. So he gets jealous a lot of her, and tries to take it out on her by hurting her or teasing or irritating her. I know how to handle that with my kids. That is the easy part. I think I discipline them very well. Devin has to wash the dishes by hand now, since he doesn't want to rinse them off to put them in the dishwasher. I opened it up and found a whole mess of food in there. We already went through one dishwasher because of that, and the last time, it was fixed with running bleach in there and then vinegar. But next time, they are going to make us pay for it. So I spend a while teaching him how to do them by hand. I was going to tell him the other day that we can switch up his chore with something else, but he didn't want to hear what i had to say, so I changed my mind. He will learn some day. I also told him that with each chore, he has to spend at least 30 minutes doing it, if not more to get it done. So if there is not much dishes, he has to find something else to do for that chore until the 30 minutes is up whether it is cleaning out the cuboards or stacking the dishes better or scrubbing the sink. Cause he wants to rush through it and make careless mistakes. That was the word of the day for him. And if he fails to do it properly, I add on 15 min. That ought to show him how pissed i was.
So anyways, back with the move. I am not anywhere near done preparing for this as I want to be. I have things that pop in my head that I have not done yet. I have my list of things to do, but it seems to get longer as I remember. My husbands work schedule has changed again. He goes at 1:30-2pm and gets off around 11:30pm. Comes home around 12:30 am. I like this better, but wish i had another pair of hands. I try to explain to the kids that one of us has to work to make money. I know my youngest doesn't understand this and wants him home all the time. She has severe anxiety issues. I might seek a therapist for her when we get settled in Texas. I am just glad that I don't have to deal with anxiety or dizziness. The last time I felt that way was Dec. 2010 and am thankful that it went away, but it is affecting my little girl. I have had it since I was a teenager, but she has had it since 9 months old! At least I can tell her how to deal with it. She will know my little secrets how to control anxiety. I am such an expert on that now, lol.
Gosh, I am often getting distracting with things, cause I noticed that in the last paragraph i was going to talk about the move again and I ended up talking about something else. I guess my subconscious thoughts are showing up. I know we will get through this part. The next stage in our moving process is what i am worried about. The finding a job and getting kids into school. Will I be able to find a job or will be living in poverty? My kids have never experienced this and don't want them to. I just hope I am able to handle it. But like someone said, you will be surprised at what can happen in a stressful situation. Everything will work out. Can't stop thinking also that we will have double the bills after we move because my husband will be in California on the base living in the barracks and we will be in Texas. They said they are taking away his food money and giving him a chow card. wow. Then also, we will be paying for double the gas, his groceries, our groceries, his cell phone, ours, and everything else he needs. I hope he will let me know what he takes out.Well, I think I will end this now, hope you all have a good day!
Monday, June 13, 2011
Update and having a really hard time...
My family and I have been under a lot of stress lately. We have still not moved. I am trying to pay off bills, but they keep piling up! Today the van sounded funny. Just like it did before the transmission went out. I am really worried.
I am also worried because I haven't had my period for about 2 weeks now. Maybe it is the stress? Let's hope so. I have been praying to God that we will be ok.
I miss having a husband who I can be happy with and share my thoughts with. But we are both heading in the wrong direction and don't know where to turn. I wish we can support each other on this, but it is sooooo hard right now. I hope God has a plan for us, cause of not we are in deep crap.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Fear of the Unknown...
I feel like my life has turned upside-down since last month when my husband didn't make chief, and now we are facing a move... we didn't know for a while where we were going to move and we were forced to "think quick"... My mom and half-brother and sister live in Florida, my sister and her family live in Arkansas, my husbands mom and step-dad live in Tennesse, and his sisters also live there with their families. His dad and step-mom also live in Tennessee. My aunt and some cousins live in San Diego and other aunt lives in Oceanside. My biological dad (whom i am not close with) lives in Colorodo. But we chose not to live in those areas. A lot of people here are moving to Texas and lots of people say it is great there. It does have tornadoes and is very hot. We were forced to learn about home-buying and loans and realators. I know we should have done this before the fact, but that didn't happen. We have had a lot of problems financially on both are parts, and have been paying on those. This pay-day I payed almost $1,000 on Credit Cards. We don't have money in savings, which makes this move very hard. Our van broke down and were forced to pay for another used transmission and that was $2,200. It is still in the shop and won't get it back till maybe Wed. of next week. We can't afford to trade it in or sell it cause we can't afford a car payment and a house payment. But i want to get another one within a year cause i predict the van will go bad again. We are driving Jason's car right now and it has no windows that roll up. It is raining today, so my friend is picking us up tomorrlw to take the kids to school. On top of that, the desktop computer gets a virus and wipes out the hard-drive. The external drive that was hooked up to it gets the virus too and says it doesn't have my pictures on it. The wireless doesn't work either, so i am dealing with my little netbook. I downgraded the Comcast that has cable, internet and phone, so now we have no long-distance, and only basic cable and 3 MB internet speed. Was looking for ways to save money so we can start saving. Guess that was a bad move. We are supposed to be flying to Texas to meet a realator to look for houses...supposed to be looking for plane tickets, but i haven't yet. Been worrying about the recent happenings on base. Two people died in a jet crash yesterday around noon...that was very sad. I pray for their families and hope they can get through this. Also, there might be a government shut-down if they approve it tomorrow by midnight. I am beyond going looney about this news. If this happens, Jason will only get paid for one week this next pay day. That will be about $800. There will be no home loans and lots of things on base will be shut down. I guess the schools will resume and the bank. The government websites will close also. My head has been spinning with questions and unknown answers to those questions that i have. How will we move if the military can't pay for it? Will the base let us live here still? Will our bills get paid? I just don't know. I know there are worse things that could happen and Japan is in a crisis right now. I just don't want to be homeless. I have a big fear of the unknown. Me and my husband have been fighting about decisions left and right. But things are fine now. I try to have a sense of humor about things. But my anxiety has been getting the best of me. I feel like a lunatic! lol. I have been so distracted. The house is not being payed attention to. I find every day to be hard to deal with. I have been staying up night after night, worrying and researching. Most of it before was worrying about the move and where we will go.Looking for houses and stuff. Now it is worrying about the shut down. I just cant take this any more. Even benadryl won't help me. Why am i fearing the unknown so much when others take things in strides? The stress is put on me to move. I feel so stupid for not being prepared. Why was i so stupid? My life is upside-down. I don't feel as secure as i felt before. I know, at least we have our health and each other. I mjust can't help to feel scared. I am glad the weekend is here so i can relax and deal with this. Be with my family. Well, pray that all will be good tomorrow.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Just me blogging...
Since I haven't blogged in a while, I dont know where to start... so what is going on in my life? Well, there are several things... One big thing that is on my mind is that I am trying to get my 6 year old back in therapy and have been dealing with the insurance on that. They keep referring us to places that don't work with children, so she is going back to Childrens Hospital in Fresno. They were really good with her and I think hit it right on the nose of what is going on with her... I just hope it works out this time because she hasn't been in for so long. We have to play catch up. But my daughter I worry about her all the time. Sometimes I think she is doing really good, and other times, I wish she hadn't stopped therapy. I think a lot of people would have given up by now.
Speaking of Jess, we have our hands full with her.. she has a personality of her own right now and I think she is learning from others and being a big smart-butt when she says things. She doesn't respond to the word "no." She would do things even though we tell her not to..she insists on doing things her way.. I am worried that she may have some OCD traits that she got from my side of the family. Her dad thinks it is from him, but I don't know..I can't turn my back on her because she will go and reorganize my stuff or think that she is helping to clean up, when really she isn't. I have to pay attention to where things are because then it will become missing. She will do it behind my back and put things where she wants it. Again, she reorganized the magnets and stuff on the fridge without me notticing. I am not sure how to punish her for these things... she seems to mean well.
My son is doing fine...we got to spend time together while my daughter and hubby were at booth sales for GS. We were bored, but just sitting and talking. I really do wish we could go out and spend money on some memories with the family, but we need to pay bills...I am sorry I seem to be always busy cleaning...it is a lot of house to cover, and I do bitch about people cleaning up their messes 'cause I wouldn't be taking time away from them if everyone just pitches in to help clean their own stuff...
I have been going through my scrapbook room cleaning that up...it was piling up out the door. I brought up stuff from downstairs and put it in there and thought I should clean it up before the hubby complains. I always have that thought in my head too about being a pack-rat like mother, so I try to steer clear of that. But cleaning out my scrap room sure does get me motivated to start scrapping again. That would be fun. I go through my pictures in that room and reminise about old times and the pics of my kids when they were babies make me think. I think I am almost done organizing it...well, I might have a few hours to go...then to organize the pictures, ugh. And I have so many on the computer, it is not even funny. But I have to take the steps to organize it or it will never get done. They say to start from the most current pictures, but what if I take some after that? Ugh. The point is that I want to put out albums for my kids to look at all the great memories. And I want to put on out of when my hubby was on the boat going over seas. All his navy days. I want him to have something in his hand to show him that it was all "worth it!" That all these navy days didn't go by and he didn't have anything to show for it. I want to show him that I am a good navy wife that will not just sit on her butt while he earns the money. I want to make the memories last. But how? They are going by so quickly? Soon he will be out...then on to the next chapter in out lives...
Well sorry for the rant, just getting carried away, lol. It is getting late and as I write this, my daughter, my son and my husband are all fast asleep while I worry about tomorrow or the next day... it is hard doing what we do. I have to find a way to be proud of who I am and enjoy each moment. I find that hard to do.
One more thing that is bothering me...ok, maybe two, lol. I have to decide between the IUD, the ablation or a hysterectomy to ease some of the PMDD symptoms I have been feeling. Second, while moving the furniture last week, I injured myself and it hurts to walk. I am waiting to go to my physical therapist next week. Hopefully everything will be alright. I know it will...well, it was good to get all this out...
Speaking of Jess, we have our hands full with her.. she has a personality of her own right now and I think she is learning from others and being a big smart-butt when she says things. She doesn't respond to the word "no." She would do things even though we tell her not to..she insists on doing things her way.. I am worried that she may have some OCD traits that she got from my side of the family. Her dad thinks it is from him, but I don't know..I can't turn my back on her because she will go and reorganize my stuff or think that she is helping to clean up, when really she isn't. I have to pay attention to where things are because then it will become missing. She will do it behind my back and put things where she wants it. Again, she reorganized the magnets and stuff on the fridge without me notticing. I am not sure how to punish her for these things... she seems to mean well.
My son is doing fine...we got to spend time together while my daughter and hubby were at booth sales for GS. We were bored, but just sitting and talking. I really do wish we could go out and spend money on some memories with the family, but we need to pay bills...I am sorry I seem to be always busy cleaning...it is a lot of house to cover, and I do bitch about people cleaning up their messes 'cause I wouldn't be taking time away from them if everyone just pitches in to help clean their own stuff...
I have been going through my scrapbook room cleaning that up...it was piling up out the door. I brought up stuff from downstairs and put it in there and thought I should clean it up before the hubby complains. I always have that thought in my head too about being a pack-rat like mother, so I try to steer clear of that. But cleaning out my scrap room sure does get me motivated to start scrapping again. That would be fun. I go through my pictures in that room and reminise about old times and the pics of my kids when they were babies make me think. I think I am almost done organizing it...well, I might have a few hours to go...then to organize the pictures, ugh. And I have so many on the computer, it is not even funny. But I have to take the steps to organize it or it will never get done. They say to start from the most current pictures, but what if I take some after that? Ugh. The point is that I want to put out albums for my kids to look at all the great memories. And I want to put on out of when my hubby was on the boat going over seas. All his navy days. I want him to have something in his hand to show him that it was all "worth it!" That all these navy days didn't go by and he didn't have anything to show for it. I want to show him that I am a good navy wife that will not just sit on her butt while he earns the money. I want to make the memories last. But how? They are going by so quickly? Soon he will be out...then on to the next chapter in out lives...
Well sorry for the rant, just getting carried away, lol. It is getting late and as I write this, my daughter, my son and my husband are all fast asleep while I worry about tomorrow or the next day... it is hard doing what we do. I have to find a way to be proud of who I am and enjoy each moment. I find that hard to do.
One more thing that is bothering me...ok, maybe two, lol. I have to decide between the IUD, the ablation or a hysterectomy to ease some of the PMDD symptoms I have been feeling. Second, while moving the furniture last week, I injured myself and it hurts to walk. I am waiting to go to my physical therapist next week. Hopefully everything will be alright. I know it will...well, it was good to get all this out...
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Racing Mind...
Well, it is really hard to tell when a gal goes Manic, cause I can't tell until I am in the midst of it and have already done the damage. I really am debating on whether or not to go back on meds..I was reading about the different kinds of meds and they have pretty nasty side effects. The reasons why I stopped in the first place. I don't know if i can go through that again. I don't think so. I like walking to and from places. Those meds make me so dizzy. Guess I have to keep trucking on! I didn't get much sleep last night. Only 3 1/2 hrs. I could not get my busy mind to stop and felt I had so much to do. Well today I am going to try to relax (maybe sleep) and then take son to appt. later. We had a very eventful Valentines Day yesterday. I will write about it later (if I get around to it). Well have to finish getting the kids ready for school :)
Annie
Annie
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Mood Disorders
I want to write about my mood disorder. There is nothing bothering me more than this right now. I haven't had anxiety in a while, except the typical nervousness..I need to stop smoking, lol. But I haven't got dizzy in a while, and I am really thankful for that. Most of my life I have gotten that way, and this is a miracle. That is the reason why I don't want to go back on meds right now. I am trying my hardest to not do that, but it is really hard and I need the help from my friends and family to keep me sane and happy.
My mood right now is terrible and it gets me in trouble a lot with friends and family. I would snap at them and be horrible and be mean. The next I would be nice. I hate that. I am so sorry to all that have had this happen to. I feel really awful. If I could take back anything, it would be this. Also, I wish I could learn to "give" more to those I love. I am horrible at that. But right now, I wish I could smile more and forget about how depressed I am. Since my parents have mood problems myself, and I am not sure exactly what they have, it is hard to help myself. My biological dad, who I didn't know very well and only met him once since I was 3, has OCD. He is a "checker" and I have talked with him somewhat about it, but that doesn't help because I didn't really know him when he was like that. He takes meds for it. I don't get along with him on phone or email because to me he is just wierd and we would get into arguments over stupid stuff or he would say that I am having a fit. He lives in Colorodo. My mom, who lives in Florida, is a massive hoarder, and I think I very well get my moodiness from her. She is like super mean and abusive. She told me that depression is a weakness, and I cried my eyes out when she told that to me, cause she is my mom. I can't believe she said tha to me. My mom, is a piece of work. She abused me when I was a kid, and she said terrible things to me. She called me evil. But now that I look back, she was herself. And I see where I get my meanness from. I told my husband, I can't help it the way I am. I try really hard not to hurt people (physically or emotionally). But it feels like it is in my blood. It is just the way I am. And it hurts. So, I am trying my hardest to learn from this. Even though my mind is saying otherwise, I want to do good. It is hard when you have a mood disorder. I feel like the people around me are looking at me strange and I feel paranoid. Sometimes I am very outgoing and can talk to anyone and I am so happy at that point in time. But othertimes, I fall into this deep depression and I don't even know myself at that time. It feels like I am in another body. But I know I am not crazy. I just have a mood disorder. People think that people who have mood disorders are crazy, but they are not. I don't go out killing people. I just want to be normal.
So me and my family took our daughter to see Justin Biebers' movie, "Never Say Never" yesterday and it was so good. I didn't know how a little boy can be so talented. He is so fast and good with those drums and the singing was incredible. I wish I could have saw Backstreet Boys or NSync or New Kids on the Block when I was younger, but I never saw anyone. I was too shy. But for Jessica, I have never seen a little kid (6 years old) be so happy about a singing sensation and she is so excited about him. And so am I because I love that he makes her smile. So I want to take her to see Justin at one of his concerts when he comes her *again*. Or we will just have to go to where he is, lol. Because this would be my little girls dream. Crazy, huh? But until then, we will just have to wait.
But back to the mood disorder, I have a lot of insight with these things, since I major in Psychology and actually graduated college. That was my #1 goal. Since I was having the dizziness, I wasn't able to do the things that I wanted to do like get a job. But now that that part of my life is over (for now), who knows? Maybe writing this blog (I wish I would do it more instead of hiding my feelings) will help me overcome whatever it is that is holding me back. I don't get to talk to my therapist for that long. My friends (I think) already think I am crazy and my hubby, well I think he does too, but doesn't want to admit it. I am so thankful that he has stayed with me this long (12 years). I treat him so bad at times, and I can't live with that.
Oh, I wanted to talk about depersonalization or feeling numb to the point of not being able to have close relationships with people. Well, that is how I feel right now. It comes and goes. I guess I put a block up and don't let anyone get close. But how do I rip it down? I don't know. I don't feel close to anyone really..Now how is that? I can't feel that connection with my kids mainly. I don't know if Devin is going through that transition to becoming a teen or not (he is 11), but he doesn't want to talk to me much or he won't answer anything that I ask him. And I feel balistic when that happens. I don't know what to do. I mean for important stuff that I need to know. There is that controlling side of me that wants to make him talk...yeah. Well, I have to learn to not be so controlling. Gosh, my mom was that way. We are having family meetings, every Friday. It was Jasons' suggestion. I think it is a great idea. I wonder where he gets those from *sigh, lol* We had one yesterday, and I think it went well and the kids came up with great ideas. Until, Devin pissed me off with mimicking me. I can not stand for him doing that and why does he think he can? Well guess it is just one more thing I have to learn about kids his age. *sigh, lol* I am in for a long ride, lol.
Well, today I am doing ok..Jessica went with her dad to the "World Thinking Day" at the Lemoore High School for the Girl Scouts! I wanted to go! But I guess siblings aren't allowed, so I am staying here watching Devin. Not until he turns 12 will I let him stay here that long by himself. *Maybe* So I am thinking about doing laundry and some stuff around here. I just can not just sit on my butt. I wouldn't feel productive. And the house would be a mess. But I am so watching the Grammy Awards tomorrow! Oooh. Justin Bieber will be performing, and my fave singers, Eminem and others. I have also been watching American Idol! Haha. It is so good, I think, because I like the judges now. And the singers are so good! Ha. I love singing too and will do it when I am alone to my hearts content, lol. But guess I will write more later and better go do some stuff! Oh yeah, I wish people were actually reading my blogs...and comment. *Hint* Maybe they can learn something from me..I am not a bad person. I just have bad times, like everyone else..Hehe. BTW, I love you BFF. Thanks for being there for me. Wish I had more support from other people like I do from you and hubby. You are the best!
My mood right now is terrible and it gets me in trouble a lot with friends and family. I would snap at them and be horrible and be mean. The next I would be nice. I hate that. I am so sorry to all that have had this happen to. I feel really awful. If I could take back anything, it would be this. Also, I wish I could learn to "give" more to those I love. I am horrible at that. But right now, I wish I could smile more and forget about how depressed I am. Since my parents have mood problems myself, and I am not sure exactly what they have, it is hard to help myself. My biological dad, who I didn't know very well and only met him once since I was 3, has OCD. He is a "checker" and I have talked with him somewhat about it, but that doesn't help because I didn't really know him when he was like that. He takes meds for it. I don't get along with him on phone or email because to me he is just wierd and we would get into arguments over stupid stuff or he would say that I am having a fit. He lives in Colorodo. My mom, who lives in Florida, is a massive hoarder, and I think I very well get my moodiness from her. She is like super mean and abusive. She told me that depression is a weakness, and I cried my eyes out when she told that to me, cause she is my mom. I can't believe she said tha to me. My mom, is a piece of work. She abused me when I was a kid, and she said terrible things to me. She called me evil. But now that I look back, she was herself. And I see where I get my meanness from. I told my husband, I can't help it the way I am. I try really hard not to hurt people (physically or emotionally). But it feels like it is in my blood. It is just the way I am. And it hurts. So, I am trying my hardest to learn from this. Even though my mind is saying otherwise, I want to do good. It is hard when you have a mood disorder. I feel like the people around me are looking at me strange and I feel paranoid. Sometimes I am very outgoing and can talk to anyone and I am so happy at that point in time. But othertimes, I fall into this deep depression and I don't even know myself at that time. It feels like I am in another body. But I know I am not crazy. I just have a mood disorder. People think that people who have mood disorders are crazy, but they are not. I don't go out killing people. I just want to be normal.
So me and my family took our daughter to see Justin Biebers' movie, "Never Say Never" yesterday and it was so good. I didn't know how a little boy can be so talented. He is so fast and good with those drums and the singing was incredible. I wish I could have saw Backstreet Boys or NSync or New Kids on the Block when I was younger, but I never saw anyone. I was too shy. But for Jessica, I have never seen a little kid (6 years old) be so happy about a singing sensation and she is so excited about him. And so am I because I love that he makes her smile. So I want to take her to see Justin at one of his concerts when he comes her *again*. Or we will just have to go to where he is, lol. Because this would be my little girls dream. Crazy, huh? But until then, we will just have to wait.
But back to the mood disorder, I have a lot of insight with these things, since I major in Psychology and actually graduated college. That was my #1 goal. Since I was having the dizziness, I wasn't able to do the things that I wanted to do like get a job. But now that that part of my life is over (for now), who knows? Maybe writing this blog (I wish I would do it more instead of hiding my feelings) will help me overcome whatever it is that is holding me back. I don't get to talk to my therapist for that long. My friends (I think) already think I am crazy and my hubby, well I think he does too, but doesn't want to admit it. I am so thankful that he has stayed with me this long (12 years). I treat him so bad at times, and I can't live with that.
Oh, I wanted to talk about depersonalization or feeling numb to the point of not being able to have close relationships with people. Well, that is how I feel right now. It comes and goes. I guess I put a block up and don't let anyone get close. But how do I rip it down? I don't know. I don't feel close to anyone really..Now how is that? I can't feel that connection with my kids mainly. I don't know if Devin is going through that transition to becoming a teen or not (he is 11), but he doesn't want to talk to me much or he won't answer anything that I ask him. And I feel balistic when that happens. I don't know what to do. I mean for important stuff that I need to know. There is that controlling side of me that wants to make him talk...yeah. Well, I have to learn to not be so controlling. Gosh, my mom was that way. We are having family meetings, every Friday. It was Jasons' suggestion. I think it is a great idea. I wonder where he gets those from *sigh, lol* We had one yesterday, and I think it went well and the kids came up with great ideas. Until, Devin pissed me off with mimicking me. I can not stand for him doing that and why does he think he can? Well guess it is just one more thing I have to learn about kids his age. *sigh, lol* I am in for a long ride, lol.
Well, today I am doing ok..Jessica went with her dad to the "World Thinking Day" at the Lemoore High School for the Girl Scouts! I wanted to go! But I guess siblings aren't allowed, so I am staying here watching Devin. Not until he turns 12 will I let him stay here that long by himself. *Maybe* So I am thinking about doing laundry and some stuff around here. I just can not just sit on my butt. I wouldn't feel productive. And the house would be a mess. But I am so watching the Grammy Awards tomorrow! Oooh. Justin Bieber will be performing, and my fave singers, Eminem and others. I have also been watching American Idol! Haha. It is so good, I think, because I like the judges now. And the singers are so good! Ha. I love singing too and will do it when I am alone to my hearts content, lol. But guess I will write more later and better go do some stuff! Oh yeah, I wish people were actually reading my blogs...and comment. *Hint* Maybe they can learn something from me..I am not a bad person. I just have bad times, like everyone else..Hehe. BTW, I love you BFF. Thanks for being there for me. Wish I had more support from other people like I do from you and hubby. You are the best!
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