Well, I am starting to feel the jitters of the holidays coming...done with most of the shopping (thank goodness), just need to do a lot of wrapping. Getting a little (well, maybe a lot) overwhelmed with the presents being in the house not wrapped yet, cause the kids found them before..hehe. I am getting a little overwhelmed with the money situation since I bought a new mattress, and lots of presents. I think I went a little too overboard with that. I wanted it to be a great xmas, but I know they are always great, even with the little that we have.
I had my MRI and EEG done (with hubby gone). It is amazing how I got through that by myself. My BFF watched the kids though, which helped a lot, but I didn't like going to them by myself. Well, I felt I had to..See, I know I have really bad anxiety, so I try to push myself further than I feel I can go without relying on people I know. Trying to lay off of that crutch. But proud that I did it. I was a lot nervous for the EEG, cause it was in Visalia at the hospital, and I had a lot of trouble getting there. I got lost, and the people there stayed on the phone with me until I made it there. It was so scary with all the traffic....and one way streets. Almost went down one until someone honked their horn! But all in all, The EEG and MRI went very well, and they came back normal...well as for me, that doesn't say much because I feel like I am S.O.L., meaning that what the heck is wrong with me then?
When I saw the neurologist for a follow-up last week, I said I hadn't had the blurry/double vision for 2 wks. The last one was on Veterans Day or a couple days after that. Oh yeah, I was also having the slurred speech (big time). Well, this last Sat. when I was at the Childrens Xmas party for the squadron, I was having anxiety....from doing all the running around that I was doing before that, and being late to the party. I had the normal anixiety symptoms of jell-o legs, not being able to walk, etc. But then...the speech happened. I had slurred speech and was not able to talk...I was trying to talk to my friend and kids, but it was not happening, so I just thought, forget it...I will just be quiet. I talked when I could. I was having a really bad day, and I was hoping that my BFF wasn't getting upset with me, for this coming on again. She has dealt with a lot of this from me...she is so kind, and I am so grateful for her more than words can say...but she does not deserve this. Well, I can not help this either. Whatever is going on with me...can go to H.E.L.L. I am so sick of you....on top of the anxiety and depression or mania or whatever you want to call it...I have speech and vision problems. Either the anxiety is getting worse, or I am in trouble.
Well, on to what the neurologist said. She said the results were normal, but she wanted to re-do the EEG ( i dont know why), and she was writing up a prescription for a Lab to be done at Quest. I was asking questions about it. Oh, before that, she was leaning toward the thyroid...I had told her that on Veterans Day, I was breaking down crying cause I had the vision probs, speech and was also feeling paralyzed. My arms were. I could not move them for the life of me...my husband was sitting next to me comforting me, and I wanted to hit something so bad because I couldn't see, talk or move! It was very frustrating. *And a tear comes down my eye as I write this* It was the worst I have felt yet. She says the thyroid can make you feel paralyzed. I also told her that my sister has a thyroid problem and she has Hoshimoto's Disease. I couldn't remember the word, but she knew what I was talking about immediately. So she said it for me. So she wrote up for the lab work to be done to I guess test my thyroid?
Well, lately I have also been feeling the low blood sugar..don't ask me how I know what that feels like...I just know..or could it be high? It just feels like you feel sick and shaky and you feel an immediate hunger...and have to eat right away. But for me, I actually don't want to eat. I guess because of how sick I would feel, it doesn't make me want to eat. Then I feel nautious. But that could be from all the worry and anxiety. I don't know. With all these multiple things happening, it makes me confused as what is what. I take stuff for the anxiety...as needed, then the mood stabilizer...then thyroid medicine. So if I am having anxiety and feel sick, how do I know I am not just worried out of my mind or scared of something? Or it could be something to do with my thryoid causing the anxiety? So here I am writing this all out, just to make sense of it...I have given up on the fact that I lost function of my legs when I get anxiety. That has happened since I was 14...now I am almost giving up on the fact that I can't talk when this happens. Will God please tell me what I am doing wrong?
So I try to read my favorite "Twilight" book before bed, cause I remember last time I felt bad, when I directed my attention toward something else, it made me feel better. It also comforted me. And I won't forget how the friends that I have made and still have have comforted me as well. I will never forget you...
Gosh, sorry to get on the negative side, but sometimes I feel like I am dying inside..I mean litterally dying...I was so lethargic today as I was making my kids and I spaghetti...trying to do dishes (with my sons help) and so on...I was sweating profusely, and almost falling asleep...like I was going to lose consciousness...not to be a hypochondriac, but seriously..I was trying to stay awake and take care of the kids...holding on for dear life...I made it, and then made myself eat a few bites and headed on up to bed to lay down. For the life of me, I could not fall asleep. So I got up a couple hours later...secretly ignoring the phone ringing (probably a doc who I needed to talk to), I was just not feeling good, and so tired I could barely talk. I am thinking all this time, what the heck is wrong with me..so knowing me, I try to self-diagnose myself and think maybe i am dehydrated. I haven't been eating right at all and haven't been drinking enough water...just sodas from fast-food. It has been so busy...so I am trying to drink as much water as I can now.
I am trying to humor myself before I start in a big 'ol depression...boo hoo. I am still in my good spirits though as I write this. I can find myself chuckling..hehe. But I can also feel my inside not feeling so good. So I wanted to write this to get it all out and maybe that overwhelming senstation can let itself gooooo...for good. I know hubby is not home...but come on...I can do this...so yeah, I am feeling stronger right now, and ok with myself, as I get ready for bed. "Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has it's own worries in itself." I remember something like that from the Bible...haven't been going to church, but I do think of Him and pray...
Annie
