Hello, I really don't know what I want to blog about... everything is jut up in the air. It has been a really busy day with writing letters to family on the computer and printing out pictures with it. I was having a little bit anxiety when I was writing to my biological dad who lives in Colorodo since I haven't talked or emailed him in a long while. I am really unsure if I want a relationship with him again. But I wrote him a letter anyways and am debating on whether or not to send it. My mother-in-law (mom) wants me to send pictures, but I am trying to save ink and money since there are so many pictures I want to show her.
I am awake right now and it is almost 1:40 am...I am sure that I could sleep if I wanted to, but for some reason I stay up late and don't want to go to bed. For some reason I get sad at night and want to extend my day by staying up. Maybe it is because I didn't finish what I wanted to get done? There are not enough hours or energy in the day to do what my mind wants me to do! Now I am thinking about Christmas shopping...it is only 2 months away, and I am worried about money. I am also worried about the crowds of people, so I want to get it done early. I have already started looking online and at layaway (which I have never tried). I just hope we are left with some money (yeah right). Since my son is getting older (he is 11 now), he needs more mature things, I think. Who knows, he may still like the action figures, but not as much as video games! So maybe I should just put all video games under the tree, and he will be happy!
Ugh. This is so frustrating. X-Mas, Holidays...it never ends. Just when you want to save money, it all goes. We still have our old couches from 10 years ago...and I have to accept that we will have them for a while. I guess that is why I am writing a blog because I want to learn to accept a few things and figure if I write my feelings out, I will eventually figure out what I am feeling and thinking (if that makes sense). It is hard to know what I feel when things are bottled up inside. With no place to let them go. I love to write, so I guess I should put it to good use (even if it is talking about my feelings). I mean, it is time to stop walking around in anger, or numbness. Time to put on a real happy face. Yeah, right. Ok, I am not exactly there yet! Ha. I even have a hard time writing my feeling on paper, let alone talk to myself about it.
So what is bothering me? OMG. There is a ton. But where do I start? Well, like I said, the nighttime and being alone at night bothers me, cause I feel that the night is ending and I don't want it to end for some reason. I just don't. Maybe because I don't want to face the next day. Well, if I were to get 8 hrs. of sleep a day, maybe I could we well rested and less stressed the next day to accomplish more things. Gosh, I feel so busy all the time. I think also that I feel like I have no "me" time when the kids are awake. That is a big one. I get no time to read, or be on the computer, or watch t.v. Everything is being catered to them. Well, it shouldn't be that way, but it is. I do make them do things for themselves, but some things I have to supervise them doing...even for my 11 year old. Oh gosh, he is a different story. Then my 6 year old keeps me on my toes too! She started playing with my digital camera today, without me knowing at first. But since I copied the other pics onto the external hard drive, it was ok, as long as she didn't drop it..
Ok, so if not having "me" time is bothering me and may be why I smoke so much, then I need to do something about it...Yes, I know...I should go for walks and exersize. It has been probably over a year since I had a regular exersize routine. What happened? I got really depressed and fell in that hole of pity...Ah, for me it is always being depression, manic or having panick attacks. Sometimes feels like there is a thunder and lightening cloud over my head every day...Well, I do have good days...makes me wonder if those are my manic times and not when I am normal. Am I ever feeling normal? I don't know.
The other day, I was at one of my worst moments...just one of them. I say the worst things, and imagine the worst things. I just can't help myself. And then I went on the internet and found an article or blog on someone who I felt was going through something that I go through a lot. So I read it, and read it...and thought wow, she got through it. She turned to God. I know that sounds crazy...even for me. I did not grow up in a Godly family at all. But I really want to believe. Maybe there is a miracle for me after all! Well, I will stop right here since it is almost 2am. Hopefully I can make a habit of blogging. I just noticed that I didn't say exactly what went on with my life, and nothing much negative...that is good for me.
