Just the Ramblings of a Navy Wife...

Well, I am starting to feel the jitters of the holidays coming...done with most of the shopping (thank goodness), just need to do a lot of wrapping. Getting a little (well, maybe a lot) overwhelmed with the presents being in the house not wrapped yet, cause the kids found them before..hehe. I am getting a little overwhelmed with the money situation since I bought a new mattress, and lots of presents. I think I went a little too overboard with that. I wanted it to be a great xmas, but I know they are always great, even with the little that we have.

I had my MRI and EEG done (with hubby gone). It is amazing how I got through that by myself. My BFF watched the kids though, which helped a lot, but I didn't like going to them by myself. Well, I felt I had to..See, I know I have really bad anxiety, so I try to push myself further than I feel I can go without relying on people I know. Trying to lay off of that crutch. But proud that I did it. I was a lot nervous for the EEG, cause it was in Visalia at the hospital, and I had a lot of trouble getting there. I got lost, and the people there stayed on the phone with me until I made it there. It was so scary with all the traffic....and one way streets. Almost went down one until someone honked their horn! But all in all, The EEG and MRI went very well, and they came back normal...well as for me, that doesn't say much because I feel like I am S.O.L., meaning that what the heck is wrong with me then?

When I saw the neurologist for a follow-up last week, I said I hadn't had the blurry/double vision for 2 wks. The last one was on Veterans Day or a couple days after that. Oh yeah, I was also having the slurred speech (big time). Well, this last Sat. when I was at the Childrens Xmas party for the squadron, I was having anxiety....from doing all the running around that I was doing before that, and being late to the party. I had the normal anixiety symptoms of jell-o legs, not being able to walk, etc. But then...the speech happened. I had slurred speech and was not able to talk...I was trying to talk to my friend and kids, but it was not happening, so I just thought, forget it...I will just be quiet. I talked when I could. I was having a really bad day, and I was hoping that my BFF wasn't getting upset with me, for this coming on again. She has dealt with a lot of this from me...she is so kind, and I am so grateful for her more than words can say...but she does not deserve this. Well, I can not help this either. Whatever is going on with me...can go to H.E.L.L. I am so sick of you....on top of the anxiety and depression or mania or whatever you want to call it...I have speech and vision problems. Either the anxiety is getting worse, or I am in trouble.

Well, on to what the neurologist said. She said the results were normal, but she wanted to re-do the EEG ( i dont know why), and she was writing up a prescription for a Lab to be done at Quest. I was asking questions about it. Oh, before that, she was leaning toward the thyroid...I had told her that on Veterans Day, I was breaking down crying cause I had the vision probs, speech and was also feeling paralyzed. My arms were. I could not move them for the life of me...my husband was sitting next to me comforting me, and I wanted to hit something so bad because I couldn't see, talk or move! It was very frustrating. *And a tear comes down my eye as I write this* It was the worst I have felt yet. She says the thyroid can make you feel paralyzed. I also told her that my sister has a thyroid problem and she has Hoshimoto's Disease. I couldn't remember the word, but she knew what I was talking about immediately. So she said it for me. So she wrote up for the lab work to be done to I guess test my thyroid?

Well, lately I have also been feeling the low blood sugar..don't ask me how I know what that feels like...I just know..or could it be high? It just feels like you feel sick and shaky and you feel an immediate hunger...and have to eat right away. But for me, I actually don't want to eat. I guess because of how sick I would feel, it doesn't make me want to eat. Then I feel nautious. But that could be from all the worry and anxiety. I don't know. With all these multiple things happening, it makes me confused as what is what. I take stuff for the anxiety...as needed, then the mood stabilizer...then thyroid medicine. So if I am having anxiety and feel sick, how do I know I am not just worried out of my mind or scared of something? Or it could be something to do with my thryoid causing the anxiety? So here I am writing this all out, just to make sense of it...I have given up on the fact that I lost function of my legs when I get anxiety. That has happened since I was 14...now I am almost giving up on the fact that I can't talk when this happens. Will God please tell me what I am doing wrong?

So I try to read my favorite "Twilight" book before bed, cause I remember last time I felt bad, when I directed my attention toward something else, it made me feel better. It also comforted me. And I won't forget how the friends that I have made and still have have comforted me as well. I will never forget you...

Gosh, sorry to get on the negative side, but sometimes I feel like I am dying inside..I mean litterally dying...I was so lethargic today as I was making my kids and I spaghetti...trying to do dishes (with my sons help) and so on...I was sweating profusely, and almost falling asleep...like I was going to lose consciousness...not to be a hypochondriac, but seriously..I was trying to stay awake and take care of the kids...holding on for dear life...I made it, and then made myself eat a few bites and headed on up to bed to lay down. For the life of me, I could not fall asleep. So I got up a couple hours later...secretly ignoring the phone ringing (probably a doc who I needed to talk to), I was just not feeling good, and so tired I could barely talk. I am thinking all this time, what the heck is wrong with me..so knowing me, I try to self-diagnose myself and think maybe i am dehydrated. I haven't been eating right at all and haven't been drinking enough water...just sodas from fast-food. It has been so busy...so I am trying to drink as much water as I can now.

I am trying to humor myself before I start in a big 'ol depression...boo hoo. I am still in my good spirits though as I write this. I can find myself chuckling..hehe. But I can also feel my inside not feeling so good. So I wanted to write this to get it all out and maybe that overwhelming senstation can let itself gooooo...for good. I know hubby is not home...but come on...I can do this...so yeah, I am feeling stronger right now, and ok with myself, as I get ready for bed. "Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has it's own worries in itself." I remember something like that from the Bible...haven't been going to church, but I do think of Him and pray...

Annie

Well, it has happened again...

Hey, don't know why this is happening to me...or why I can't handle stress. I had a nervous breakdown this morning. Had to drive the kids to school anyways. Luckily at Jess' school I saw a couple of my friends there. Ann and Liberty. Ann had something to do, so I asked her if she can tell Liberty I needed her (which was right in front of me in her car). At that point I had the slurred speech and could not get out what I was trying to say. I could barely even see. I managed to pull over aside Liberty and broke down crying. I couldn't communicate, but just said jibberish. I think she understood somewhat. She took me back to my house in her car. She is a RN and well she thinks it is anxiety...is it something that is stressing me out so much that makes me this way? Please someone tell me. All that was stressing me out this morning was that I have this all the time and don't know what to do about it. Nothing else is on my mind. My anxiety before was terrible...but different symptoms. I still could not walk, but I didn't feel paralyzed and I could talk. I didn't have vision problems. I had worry a lot about everything. I was afraid of going places and outside...to name a few. But now, I am only afraid of those things because of these symptoms. I feel so angry and helpless. I saw that people online had these same things happen to them and no one has had an answer for them either. God please help them and help me to find a answer. I am afraid to go to the docs still cause they can't help me. My friend Liberty thinks I need blood pressure meds. It ranges from 140-150 over 80-90 something when I am up and around. I took a nap today and it went down to 131 over 80 something but my pulse was still over 100 and I hadn't smoked. My husband thinks it is something else. It feels like a stroke. What would mimic that? Or what would mimic anxiety symptoms? Well, those are the questions for the day...glad I am writing this all out, cause I need to talk about it. Maybe that is why I felt like blowing up this morning.

A little disappointed...

Well, when things in life get complicated, they get complicated! I just want to live the normal like just like anyone else does, but God just has to throw those extra few wrenches in there and says, " Here, this is what you are going to get and are destined to be!" Well, that is what it feels like in this life. I try my hardest every day to beat this "thing" that is happening to me, but dang it! It is not happening. I feel myself getting stronger and stronger to beat this. First in my life, yeah it was anxiety and agoraphobia with depression that turned to mania at times. But now it is something else I have not seen before. I am dumbfounded. What is this? Of course if I tell the doctors I have had anxiety before, they will automatically pinpoint my symptoms to anxiety and stop there. Well, my new symptoms are kind of scary...no, it is downright scary!. I have been patient, and strong dealing with this every day...but now I am frustrated and even mad. What could be causing this? My symptoms are: basically I feel paralyzed. I have trouble talking...getting my words out...no matter how hard I try. If I do say something, it is slurred or I can't even say the whole word. Like I am drunk. Next thing (at same time): my legs and arms have a hard time doing what I want them to do. I feel paralyzed. I jerk when I try to move. I can't control them. I can not walk cause I can't control my legs and am so off-balanced and dizzy. Not dizzy like the room is spinning. Off-balanced and can't control legs. I know this is weird. Also, if it gets real bad, my vision gets messed up and it gets blurry or doubled and sometimes I have to close my eyes cause I can't see right. I broke down crying today (on Veterans Day) uncontrollably, cause I am so tired of it and feel so helpless. We were about to go to dinner, and it happened. It happens a lot when I am tired (which is a lot) and I force myself to do things. My husband wanted me to lay down for a couple of hours and sleep...I did so for a few seconds, but I refused to do so (stubborn me) cause I wanted to be with the family. These things usually go away with sleep, but sometimes I refuse to let it take control of me, and try to continue with my day. It usually goes away. Eventually. Sometimes it takes a couple hours for the dizziness and other symtoms to go away, and sometimes it takes all day. Sometimes I get really nautious cause of the dizziness, and that lasts all day. Once it starts, my whole day is ruined, cause it is paralyzing, and I don't feel so good. Ugh. I wish God would help me. It makes me so sad afterward when it happens. It is just another setback. Just when I am trying to move forward. After it happens, I just want to forget about it though. And I get soooo tired, from all the anxiety-like symptoms afterward. So...I am thinking this is not typical anxiety. It does not just last 10 min. I have a problem with feeling hot rather than cold. I don't tremble or think I am having a heart attack or am dying. I want to continue going on with my day, rather than sit inside. Well, I will continue my research for what is happening to me and talk to the doctors, until I find out. I now see a neurologist and I am going elsewhere to have a few tests and then follow up with her. It happens to my daughter too, and her EEG's were abnormal, so I am hoping that they will find out something for me. I am just a little bit scared! Don't think they will believe me. Well, that is all I have for now...Happy Veterans Day to all who are and have served our country! Including my husband, my grandad, and dad! Love you all!

Frustrating Day with Son...

Well, this morning went pretty good. He got up within a few minutes of me asking him to. Today he was supposed to get up 15 min. earlier, so that would be 5:45 am because he had his anger fits the day before. So he has been doing good the past couple days getting up and getting ready. I went to Kmart after I picked up Jessica at 11:25 am from Neutra. I went there to look for a new phone with a couple cordless phones cause the one upstairs does not work. Very frustrating when someone calls and I can not hear them because of all the static! So I carefully picked out a phone and then looked around for some winter things. I can tell Jessica was getting tired. We went back on base. I first got gas, cause it was running low, and then we were just in time to pick up Devin from Akers at 4pm. He has Homework Club after school. Well, he was not there, and I was getting kind of worried. I went in and asked this little girl if it was out and she said it was...then went to look and see if the class was out and no one was in sight. The school was closing. The principal even paged him. So I thought he might have gone home, and skipped the Homework Club. He was outside our house at the picnic table with some little kid...his book bad and binder thrown on the ground and grass in front of the driveway! Urrr. I asked him why he didn't go to Homework Club and he said he didn't have any homework. Probably something I should have taken lightly (or maybe not), but I was furious. He got mad and stormed into the house...The little kid squealed on him and said he called me "stupid." I don't know if he did or not. Then I found out he tried to get in through the back gate, cause he left it wide open...Shelby (our little dog) smelt some other dog poop...and I said ewww. That is nasty. Some other dog pooped on our back lawn. I was mad at my son cause he wasn't where he was supposed to be, and I was gone out into town and so he was home outside for the last hour! Well, I guess that sucks for him! But then I found no books in his backpack, and he usually brings them all home. This sounds peculiar. I had him do some dishes (his usual chore), and everything was fine.

Jessica went to play with her friend Max outside and some other kids and they came in and said there was a baby butterfly on the table. I was on the phone with my aunt at the time...I was asking what they wanted me to do. I gave them a cup and a paper towel to cover it. And continued my conversation with my aunt. My son asks me if he could play a game on the PS3, and I said alright (not thinking much) because he had been grounded from all games for the longest time ever since he got 3 D's on his Progress Report. Two of them went up, but he still needs to improve the other one. It is in Writing Lab and he needs to improve his capitalizing, punctuation, etc. in reading some of his work, he still writes like a 2nd grader...but he is in Junior High now, so he needs to be more responsible for his work. Not mommy always calling his teachers for help, etc.

Well, when I got off the phone with my aunt, I resumed making dinner and asked him what all that commotion was that he was doing. He was looking in the compartment that we keep the Video Game controllers and chargers, and throwing them all around cause he couldn't find what he wanted. He said, " Why do you always put the PS3 charger upstairs?" I said don't talk to me like that, I am your mother. Ask your dad that, cause he probably did. We just hooked up the Playstation to our old t.v. and can now play dvd's and games with it. He just goes off yelling at me. So I told him to immediately get off the game...he is done. He says he doesn't care...he always says that. He doesn't care about anything cause he is always getting things taken away from him. What are we supposed to do? Forgive him? He is mad at us for disciplining him all the time...he must think we are the meanest parents in the world cause we keep him on tight strings. Ha. Well, if you knew our child like we do, you would see why. Most people see him when he is on his medicine, but in the evenings, it wears off. He hasn't been liking to do what I ask him to do either. OMG. If we have a bad morning, he is out the door. See ya later...he can walk to school. It is only like a 5 min. drive...I usually drive him cause of all his books, but I don't tolerate his mouth in the morning, or ever. It urks me when I see some parents let their kid get away with a lot. And then my kids see that and wonder why I discipline them...I watch what my kids eat...and don't buy things that they will binge on or steal...we had a problem (and still have it) with Devin..urg. He will sneak snacks up to his bedroom before bed and eat them and have all these wrappers by his bed hiding. He even lied to our face about it when I saw him trying to open it. I do not get Pop Tarts any more because he can not resist "stealing" one. I don't know why he can't just ask for it. He will even go to the bathroom in the morning before school, and after eating breakfast, quickly eat it and hide it in the bathroom trash can. I have caught him in the act. I will ask him what he is doing in there, and he would say, "oh, nothing." I would hear him doing something. Then after he leaves, I would find it in the trash. Oh boy, would he get in trouble when he gets home. I only let them have 2 Halloween candies a day, unless they are being especially good. I caught Devin being good today, so I said that he could have 4 pieces.

Well, anyways, my husband didn't come home till about 7pm from work. I was so mad at Devin. What can I do with my angry child? He says that he can not control his anger and that other people make him angry. I said he can control it. He just chooses not to. He didn't want to talk about it either. Sometimes I have him draw or wite in his journal, but I didn't feel like bringing it up. I needed to cool down myself. I have had lack of sleep the past couple of days. I am so tired. So I thought of a different solution. He had to write, " I will listen to my mom and dad," 50 times with capitalization and puntuation right, or he had to do it over again. After he was done, he said it was a workout. I think he enjoyed it and it let out his frustration and took his mind off things. This is when Jason came home. He had no clue what was going on.

Earlier before the kids came home, I had a goldfish that came down with Dropsy, so I took it out to treat it with some medicine I had. Wasn't sure which meds to give it though. I also had another fish that had a big tumor by it's eye, and it had been there for a long while, getting bigger and smaller. Well, I read that there is nothing you can do about the tumor, but I read something else that this person tried. I put them in two separte things...these were big fish, so the containers were kind of small for them. But as soon as I put them in, they turned upside down. I was sad. I tried to help them. Well Jason came home and saw them dead, and thought they died on their own, but they had a little help *oops*. Well, it was time for everyone to go to bed now...Jason and I talked for afew minutes while we tried to figure out the new phone that I got from Kmart. Then he took a shower and went to bed. That is what our day consists of...a few min. together and busy, busy, busy. Holy cow, my 34th birthday is tomorrow..had to think about that one cause I am forgetting how old I am...Well, I will consider the phone my present, cause I know we never really celebrate our birthdays, but the kids. Well, TTFN!

Just hanging on...

Hello, I really don't know what I want to blog about... everything is jut up in the air. It has been a really busy day with writing letters to family on the computer and printing out pictures with it. I was having a little bit anxiety when I was writing to my biological dad who lives in Colorodo since I haven't talked or emailed him in a long while. I am really unsure if I want a relationship with him again. But I wrote him a letter anyways and am debating on whether or not to send it. My mother-in-law (mom) wants me to send pictures, but I am trying to save ink and money since there are so many pictures I want to show her.

I am awake right now and it is almost 1:40 am...I am sure that I could sleep if I wanted to, but for some reason I stay up late and don't want to go to bed. For some reason I get sad at night and want to extend my day by staying up. Maybe it is because I didn't finish what I wanted to get done? There are not enough hours or energy in the day to do what my mind wants me to do! Now I am thinking about Christmas shopping...it is only 2 months away, and I am worried about money. I am also worried about the crowds of people, so I want to get it done early. I have already started looking online and at layaway (which I have never tried). I just hope we are left with some money (yeah right). Since my son is getting older (he is 11 now), he needs more mature things, I think. Who knows, he may still like the action figures, but not as much as video games! So maybe I should just put all video games under the tree, and he will be happy!

Ugh. This is so frustrating. X-Mas, Holidays...it never ends. Just when you want to save money, it all goes. We still have our old couches from 10 years ago...and I have to accept that we will have them for a while. I guess that is why I am writing a blog because I want to learn to accept a few things and figure if I write my feelings out, I will eventually figure out what I am feeling and thinking (if that makes sense). It is hard to know what I feel when things are bottled up inside. With no place to let them go. I love to write, so I guess I should put it to good use (even if it is talking about my feelings). I mean, it is time to stop walking around in anger, or numbness. Time to put on a real happy face. Yeah, right. Ok, I am not exactly there yet! Ha. I even have a hard time writing my feeling on paper, let alone talk to myself about it.

So what is bothering me? OMG. There is a ton. But where do I start? Well, like I said, the nighttime and being alone at night bothers me, cause I feel that the night is ending and I don't want it to end for some reason. I just don't. Maybe because I don't want to face the next day. Well, if I were to get 8 hrs. of sleep a day, maybe I could we well rested and less stressed the next day to accomplish more things. Gosh, I feel so busy all the time. I think also that I feel like I have no "me" time when the kids are awake. That is a big one. I get no time to read, or be on the computer, or watch t.v. Everything is being catered to them. Well, it shouldn't be that way, but it is. I do make them do things for themselves, but some things I have to supervise them doing...even for my 11 year old. Oh gosh, he is a different story. Then my 6 year old keeps me on my toes too! She started playing with my digital camera today, without me knowing at first. But since I copied the other pics onto the external hard drive, it was ok, as long as she didn't drop it..

Ok, so if not having "me" time is bothering me and may be why I smoke so much, then I need to do something about it...Yes, I know...I should go for walks and exersize. It has been probably over a year since I had a regular exersize routine. What happened? I got really depressed and fell in that hole of pity...Ah, for me it is always being depression, manic or having panick attacks. Sometimes feels like there is a thunder and lightening cloud over my head every day...Well, I do have good days...makes me wonder if those are my manic times and not when I am normal. Am I ever feeling normal? I don't know.

The other day, I was at one of my worst moments...just one of them. I say the worst things, and imagine the worst things. I just can't help myself. And then I went on the internet and found an article or blog on someone who I felt was going through something that I go through a lot. So I read it, and read it...and thought wow, she got through it. She turned to God. I know that sounds crazy...even for me. I did not grow up in a Godly family at all. But I really want to believe. Maybe there is a miracle for me after all! Well, I will stop right here since it is almost 2am. Hopefully I can make a habit of blogging. I just noticed that I didn't say exactly what went on with my life, and nothing much negative...that is good for me.