Racing Mind...

Well, it is really hard to tell when a gal goes Manic, cause I can't tell until I am in the midst of it and have already done the damage. I really am debating on whether or not to go back on meds..I was reading about the different kinds of meds and they have pretty nasty side effects. The reasons why I stopped in the first place. I don't know if i can go through that again. I don't think so. I like walking to and from places. Those meds make me so dizzy. Guess I have to keep trucking on! I didn't get much sleep last night. Only 3 1/2 hrs. I could not get my busy mind to stop and felt I had so much to do. Well today I am going to try to relax (maybe sleep) and then take son to appt. later. We had a very eventful Valentines Day yesterday. I will write about it later (if I get around to it). Well have to finish getting the kids ready for school :)
Annie

Mood Disorders

I want to write about my mood disorder. There is nothing bothering me more than this right now. I haven't had anxiety in a while, except the typical nervousness..I need to stop smoking, lol. But I haven't got dizzy in a while, and I am really thankful for that. Most of my life I have gotten that way, and this is a miracle. That is the reason why I don't want to go back on meds right now. I am trying my hardest to not do that, but it is really hard and I need the help from my friends and family to keep me sane and happy.

My mood right now is terrible and it gets me in trouble a lot with friends and family. I would snap at them and be horrible and be mean. The next I would be nice. I hate that. I am so sorry to all that have had this happen to. I feel really awful. If I could take back anything, it would be this. Also, I wish I could learn to "give" more to those I love. I am horrible at that. But right now, I wish I could smile more and forget about how depressed I am. Since my parents have mood problems myself, and I am not sure exactly what they have, it is hard to help myself. My biological dad, who I didn't know very well and only met him once since I was 3, has OCD. He is a "checker" and I have talked with him somewhat about it, but that doesn't help because I didn't really know him when he was like that. He takes meds for it. I don't get along with him on phone or email because to me he is just wierd and we would get into arguments over stupid stuff or he would say that I am having a fit. He lives in Colorodo. My mom, who lives in Florida, is a massive hoarder, and I think I very well get my moodiness from her. She is like super mean and abusive. She told me that depression is a weakness, and I cried my eyes out when she told that to me, cause she is my mom. I can't believe she said tha to me. My mom, is a piece of work. She abused me when I was a kid, and she said terrible things to me. She called me evil. But now that I look back, she was herself. And I see where I get my meanness from. I told my husband, I can't help it the way I am. I try really hard not to hurt people (physically or emotionally). But it feels like it is in my blood. It is just the way I am. And it hurts. So, I am trying my hardest to learn from this. Even though my mind is saying otherwise, I want to do good. It is hard when you have a mood disorder. I feel like the people around me are looking at me strange and I feel paranoid. Sometimes I am very outgoing and can talk to anyone and I am so happy at that point in time. But othertimes, I fall into this deep depression and I don't even know myself at that time. It feels like I am in another body. But I know I am not crazy. I just have a mood disorder. People think that people who have mood disorders are crazy, but they are not. I don't go out killing people. I just want to be normal.

So me and my family took our daughter to see Justin Biebers' movie, "Never Say Never" yesterday and it was so good. I didn't know how a little boy can be so talented. He is so fast and good with those drums and the singing was incredible. I wish I could have saw Backstreet Boys or NSync or New Kids on the Block when I was younger, but I never saw anyone. I was too shy. But for Jessica, I have never seen a little kid (6 years old) be so happy about a singing sensation and she is so excited about him. And so am I because I love that he makes her smile. So I want to take her to see Justin at one of his concerts when he comes her *again*. Or we will just have to go to where he is, lol. Because this would be my little girls dream. Crazy, huh? But until then, we will just have to wait.

But back to the mood disorder, I have a lot of insight with these things, since I major in Psychology and actually graduated college. That was my #1 goal. Since I was having the dizziness, I wasn't able to do the things that I wanted to do like get a job. But now that that part of my life is over (for now), who knows? Maybe writing this blog (I wish I would do it more instead of hiding my feelings) will help me overcome whatever it is that is holding me back. I don't get to talk to my therapist for that long. My friends (I think) already think I am crazy and my hubby, well I think he does too, but doesn't want to admit it. I am so thankful that he has stayed with me this long (12 years). I treat him so bad at times, and I can't live with that.

Oh, I wanted to talk about depersonalization or feeling numb to the point of not being able to have close relationships with people. Well, that is how I feel right now. It comes and goes. I guess I put a block up and don't let anyone get close. But how do I rip it down? I don't know. I don't feel close to anyone really..Now how is that? I can't feel that connection with my kids mainly. I don't know if Devin is going through that transition to becoming a teen or not (he is 11), but he doesn't want to talk to me much or he won't answer anything that I ask him. And I feel balistic when that happens. I don't know what to do. I mean for important stuff that I need to know. There is that controlling side of me that wants to make him talk...yeah. Well, I have to learn to not be so controlling. Gosh, my mom was that way. We are having family meetings, every Friday. It was Jasons' suggestion. I think it is a great idea. I wonder where he gets those from *sigh, lol* We had one yesterday, and I think it went well and the kids came up with great ideas. Until, Devin pissed me off with mimicking me. I can not stand for him doing that and why does he think he can? Well guess it is just one more thing I have to learn about kids his age. *sigh, lol* I am in for a long ride, lol.

Well, today I am doing ok..Jessica went with her dad to the "World Thinking Day" at the Lemoore High School for the Girl Scouts! I wanted to go! But I guess siblings aren't allowed, so I am staying here watching Devin. Not until he turns 12 will I let him stay here that long by himself. *Maybe* So I am thinking about doing laundry and some stuff around here. I just can not just sit on my butt. I wouldn't feel productive. And the house would be a mess. But I am so watching the Grammy Awards tomorrow! Oooh. Justin Bieber will be performing, and my fave singers, Eminem and others. I have also been watching American Idol! Haha. It is so good, I think, because I like the judges now. And the singers are so good! Ha. I love singing too and will do it when I am alone to my hearts content, lol. But guess I will write more later and better go do some stuff! Oh yeah, I wish people were actually reading my blogs...and comment. *Hint* Maybe they can learn something from me..I am not a bad person. I just have bad times, like everyone else..Hehe. BTW, I love you BFF. Thanks for being there for me. Wish I had more support from other people like I do from you and hubby. You are the best!

Just need to vent..

Well, my anxiety is coming back and I don't know why. I realized it is not because of what I am thinking...I just seem to have the genes for it. I have it when I am really tired and don't get enough sleep. If only I could get to bed in time. It is not that easy. After the kids go to bed, and if they go to bed on time at 8pm, I have to clean up the mess downstairs..The dogs toys, any mess that the kids made, the dishes, etc. I would have the kids clean up their mess every single time, but when it is close to bed, I just don't do it. It is very frustrating. It is like we are rushing to go to bed all the time. Then when I finally sit down at the computer at night, I don't get to enjoy it or play any games..it is just checking my email mostly. Sometimes I just dawdle on there, cause I am so tired. Then before I know it, it is way past my bedtime. So I know the reason why I am so scared of my anxiety. It feels so frightening at the time! It makes you feel nervous, even though there is nothing to be nervous about. Then you start thinking about it all the time because you feel it. It just goes in circles. I notice this because I haven't had it for at least a month, which is a blessing for me. And now that I go into a store or walk out in puplic I start to feel it and I don't know why. Tiredness. And I can't tell anyone cause I know they won't understand. I don't want their sympathy. Anyways, that is what is bugging me right now.

I had to whip Devins' butt today because of his freaking attitude and giving me back-talk. Last night he hit his sister and she fell. Just because (I guess) she hit him, he felt he had to hit her. He said that he isn't going to let her hit him and him not hit her back..Urg. He is freaking 11 years old, and she is 6. He needs to stop taking it in his hands and tell me about it, first of all. 2nd of all, he is much older than her and she is just learning. He needs to stop acting like he is so tough. Anyways, these kids are getting too spoiled and getting away with things, it was long overdue. I hate when my friends kids get away with acting like a brat and like they don't know any better and get away with it. My son got hit by someone else son and also got his nose rubbed in the carpet (called a head plant?, whatever) and he gets away with it! Urg. These stupid parents. I went over there because my son has a big knot on the side of his face and red marks or skid marks on his nose like he got in a bike accident and she does NOTHING about it! Doesn't even talk to him while we were there. Makes Devin feel like shit and makes him feel like it is his fault. Oh, Devin, so what do you think I should do? Bullshit. Now he really feels like he was respected then. Well, even though he is his best friend, he is not going over there without one of us. I had to make that hard decision. She says oh it is his only friend. He never invites anyone else over. Well if he wants to keep his only friend, then he better treat him right, and he already lost that.

Well, I better end this and do some things around the house..have to go to Walmart with Terrie after I pick up Jess..can't wait till dad gets home on Friday. He said that they might extend it a couple days though. That is the navy for ya. Always doing that at the last minute.

Son Sick Again...

Well, at around 12:30am Devin woke me up saying that he threw up again. So that means I only got an hour sleep, but that is ok...I went in there and cleaned up the mess and am doing some laundry...almost out of comforters! He took a bath and said it made him feel better. While he was taking a bath, I took the opportunity to talk to him about yesterday. I felt bad for getting so mad about little things. I said that it was just one of those days where I felt like I couldn't control myself. So when that happens, I said we need to go to our rooms and cool off and then come back to what we were doing. If we can't feel like we can be nice to each other, then we need a time out. Even mommy, lol. I said mommy hasn't been getting the sleep she needs, which can also contribute to it. He understood.

I feel so bad sometimes because of the way that I deal with Devin. I have no patience when it comes to him, cause it seems like he is always doing something wrong. I can't give him multiple directions or anything because he can only remember one thing at a time..he does things very slowly and takes everything so litterally..And then he gets side-tracked while he is doing these things and starts talking about something and forgets about what he is doing. Sometimes I think he has bipolar cause his mind will be running and running, and it seems like he will try to keep up with it by talking, so he will be talking alot and so fast. He thinks about anything and everything and has tons of questions! This is all good, but he brings things up at the wrong time (when I am doing something or running up and down the stairs, when it is bed time, or when I am dead tired). He is very smart and detailed and can remember things that I can't, but when he talks he can go on and on. His ADHD medicine wasn't in his system yesterday because of him throwing up. He normally would be more focused during the day and get a lot more accomplished. Without it he is a lot more sillier and bouncing off the walls. This is what I don't get. He says that he doesn't think his medicine is working! I see a big difference in him. Others think he is normally quiet or has good behavior, because they don't see him when he is off of his meds. I wish they only knew. Since he has a processing problem also, it makes it so hard to deal.

I came across this message board about Sotos Disease...I know it sounds off-the-wall, but when Devin was born, he looks just like the baby in the picture with Sotos Disease...He was born a big baby...10 lbs. 6.7 oz and a lady said that her doc thought she had gestational diabetes when she was pregnant, but she didn't. That is just like me. Devin had (and still does) a very large head/forehead. He had the exact type of budy that the baby does, and how the baby looks like he is looking downward..he has prisms in his glasses that helps with this. The only part that I don't think fit him was that these people grew to be very tall and thin. I think. Devin still has a short stature. But these people also had big hands/feet, which Devin doesn't. I thought I finally found something that explains why Devin was so big at birth and why he is having all the problems with his temper, cause it says that these kids will have behavior problems. Well, it is something to think about...or to ask his doctor.

So with Devin and I, I need to open up that line of communication with him again :) Sometimes I get so caught up with what I am doing or feeling, that I forget how to connect with my kids. I need to grow some empathy, cause I think I lost it when I became mom/dad! LOL. Seriously, playing the part of mom/dad is a tough role when your spouse is not here and you have to be the person that makes rules and reinforces them. Otherwise, the kids will walk all over you and run your life. I have seen this many times with families (even my own) and the kids learn nothing. They just learn how to be dependant on others to take care of them. I want to teach my kids how to take care of themselves in the real world. Of course I do it age appropriately. Devin already knows how to cook some easy things over the stove, and use the microwave and oven. I will not let him use the stove/oven when I am not here though, unless I feel he is old enough and mature enough. He knows how to use the dishwasher and basically knows how to turn on the washer and dryer..he knows how to help his sister, but that just backfires, because they always end up fighting and Devin gets so frustrated with her. They end up in a screaming fest. I don't think I can ever leave them alone together, lol. He knows how to get the mail by himself and how to take his own shower. He knows our phone number and address. He loses his sense of direction though if he was outside trying to find our house..He can walk home from school, but he would get lost if he would go another direction that he is not familiar with. He has done it before. The only thing I am trying to work on with him is to just do things without asking me so much and use his own judgement..if it is something that he can do or learn for himself. I encourage him to figure it out. He always asks me about everything, and he needs to just learn it for himself, or he never will. This drives me nuts because he depends on me so much to tell him to do the things that he should be telling himself to do. It scares me because I was never taught how to do most things that I am doing now and if it is taking me all these years to learn how to do things by myself, then I don't want him to go through that. I think for us it takes a while to learn things. But I think he is getting a head-start and will know how to do a lot of things before he has to live on his own. Jessica is very independant already and acts like she is grown up and a teenager already, lol. She makes her bed and cleans her room by herself without being told. She gets herself dressed before anybody else. We even got her deoderant to use (even though she doesn't need it, lol). She is a lot more organized than her brother, but I need to look through her things a lot, because she will keep things that she doesn't need, or that will stink up her room, lol, like food. She is a pack-rat. So all-in-all, I think the kids are turning out great, but need to work on some things.

Jason plans on going back to Key West in Feb and March for the navy. He will be very busy. Sometimes I think that he is getting ready to go on cruise, lol. Seems like it. But he is on shore duty! We thought this squadron would be a lot better, but it isn't. We say that about every one of them though. Sorry this is so long, I hope I didn't bore you. Some issues need to be talked about and dealt with..esp. when my best friend and partner for life is not here so I can talk his ear off, lol. I love you honey and I can't wait to see you.

Now my mood swings...

Well, I have a sick child today, so have to get a doctors note to say I am not lying about it, lol. When I was driving him there, he started puking in the van and we had to go home and they gave me a hard time about rescheduling it..but we did.

I have been so good about controlling my mood swings, but today was the worst. I am so irritated that I could see myself kicking the dog if he didn't shut up or see myself getting violent. Anyone talking or any noise will set me off. I thought it was my monthly coming along, but hubby informed me that I had it before he left...my memory is not so good. So I feel like going to my room and not talking to anyone so I won't offend others if I get too snappy on them.. I noticed it was coming on the last few days, but didn't realize. So now I don't feel like doing crap today, but I have to. How do you manage Bipolar without medicine? Is it impossible?

I feel like a rage is going through me..Please don't talk to me or something might happen... I am unable to control it right now..No one knows what is going on in my head. Well, I was reading on how to manage it and seems like I need to get a lot more sleep than I am now to manage it. Then there is the exersize part..need to manage the stress. I think I can do this..after the rage part sets in, then comes the low part where I get depressed and that is happening now..I wish it could just be my period where it comes and then goes...not this time..

Things I Need to Work On..

Even though I have been having anxiety-free days, I still have a lot that I need to work on. I need to work on my communication with others, which is my biggest problem right now...I have been a lot more irritable with people and I don't know why..it could be lots of reasons just being a woman, but I just quit smoking 2 weeks ago and meds a month ago. I have usually been on a mood stabilizer to even out my mood. Maybe that is why I am such a grump? I feel so much better physically and mentally though..I think this is something that I can deal with ?! Haha. Well, when the kids ask me if I could do something and I am busy at the moment, how can I handle it differently then get mad at them? Haha. Yeah, I am in a snappy mood.. I need a chill pill..but my kids still need a mom who can be there for them, even though I am there a lot more for them now than I was before because I don't feel so ill! Sorry this is a terrible blog to write about, but I need to deal with this issues so that I can do things better....I need to stop avoiding things that are bothering me. There are quite a few things bothering me, actually...some things, I can not tell what they are...I try and not be a nit-picker, and let every single little thing bug me...but the truth is, some people just bug me..

Sorry it has been so long...

So we are into the new year now and still need to pack away the Christmas tree...we have everything else packed and put away...Jason is on a 3 wk. det in El Centro and won't be back for another couple of weeks! We have had our tough times since he has been gone...it has been rough and he has been only gone a week. They say that as soon as your hubby leaves, that is when things startbto happen Well, that is true. Already the van had issues with the radiator, and had to be taken to 2 different shops before it was properly diagnosed...it is hard to find someone you can trust with your vehicle..and I think I have found them! :)

Oh, the things that can happen as soon as he leaves...the van has troubles, Jessica looses her 1st tooth at 6 years old, Jessica passed her sight word exam and got 35/40 right, Devin got an A on his book report that he did by himself, and his grade moved up to a C, and Jason and I have this challenge to see if he can make an effort to contact me more while he is gone, whether it be email, phone or text. So far, he is doing great! We just need to work on our communication...we had a couple times of misscommunication and had a fight...I would try to give him the silent treatment, but it WOULD NOT work for the life of me, lol. I can not NOT talk to him if my life depended on it, cause I could never stay mad at him for that long...this is how our love is, and why it lasts...sure, I feel like I never gat a break from him, even when he does leave, but it is hard to not hear his voice every day.

I can't believe that he will be going to Key West in February, and then in March also..Such is the navy life. He takes his Chief exam this Thursday which will ultimately decide our fate of the future...who knows if he will still be in the navy, or if we will be packing getting ready to go on a long journey to our new destination and new chapter in our life! This has been a crazy life full of ups and downs, and I am super glad that I got to spend it all with you...my loves, my passion, my world...

I am super hapy that I don't have to deal with all that medicine that I was on..it was totally making me into a person I didn't want to be. The only medicine I am on is Synthroid, and I am also starting to take some vitamins to help me with energy! I take Green Tea, Omega 3's, vitamin D and Iron, as suggested by my thyroid doctor! I feel like I am a whole new person now and stronger. I haven't had any panic attacks to deal with, and I have dealt with them for years! I have gone to the mall, and other stores, and to the movies all without hubby and did it all on my own without anxiety.. I have even dealt with homelife with me and the kids (and the pets)..The kids bickering is endless (as a matter-of-fact, they are doing it right now! LOL). I even quit smoking and I should be more nervous, but I am not...my new motive is to just not think about it, and to think positive! I am not saying that I don't have anxious thoughts once in a while..they do happen..I am just dealing with it better!

So I am ready to get down and boogy with 2011 and take on even more challenges...thinking about going back to school so I can get a job wherever we decide to live..so I can help out with money..