Tired of Stigmas and Ignorant People

I took a long time away from writing because our very eventful life. There is never a dull moment, it seems like. I am writing today because my daughter got sick at Girl Scouts again and it may not seem like I worry about it, but it just makes me sad as a mother. My daughter has been dealing with Panic Disorder all her life, since she was about 9 months old. How do I know this? Because I know the symptoms. I lived it from age 17 to age 34. It really started when I was 14, but I really remember it as a senior in High School. When I started working! Well anyways, I started talking to my daughter after she came home and I was tucking the kids in for bed. Since I have been through it, I really want her to know she is not alone. I wanted to talk to her about it maybe tomorrow or something when she wasn't so drowsy from a panic attack, but she wanted to talk about it. She is only 7 years old, can you believe it? Yes, even babies can have it...at 9 mos. for her. She was seeing a neurologist for a while and just he diagnosed her with partial siezures and she was taking medicine for it. I accepted it ( but had an open mind) and the medicine didn't help her when she gets dizzy. It seemed to make it worse. I really knew she had an anxiety disorder. I majored in Psychology and I have lived through anxiety all my life. I would have the same symptoms that she has. The dizziness..so dizzy I couldn't even walk. Sometimes I would have to crawl. Or even sitting down in the middle of a post office because I was so dizzy I couldn't see straight and my legs felt like jello. I learned not to care what people thought, and that I need to take care of myself. I knew I was in trouble and had no help, so I had to do it all alone. No one understood. It feels really lonely. Imagine waking up every day scared to death of doing anything and even walking around your own house, or going outside to get the mail scares you. Because your heart beats so fast and you are trembling and can't walk straight, you look like you are drunk. How do I explain this to people? Well most people who have anxiety don't get that dizzy. I couldn't find any support. Imagine taking care of two young kids like this and all you can think about is how you are going to get through the day. I had to be strong for them and hold it in. Not let them know what was wrong with me. I would get so dizzy and not be able to walk in my house or doing errands or taking them to school, but I had to do it anyways. I cleaned the house, did errands, Christmas shopping, all that even with the way I felt.

Well the reason why I am saying all this is not for pity or for people to feel sorry for me or treat me any less. The way I feel or my daughter feels when she has panic attacks is very painful because of the way people are judging her (us). I am tired of all the stares or bad looks or people brushing off like it is no big deal. It is all in our head. Or she is just shy. I know (because I am in a new place) that people don't really know what is going on, and I haven't told them. Maybe it is my fault cause I don't want to embarrass her. I feel it is no ones business, actually. But for my daughter to go through it right now is breaking my heart. It only happens for her right now once in a blue moon, so it has gotten a lot better. Girl Scouts is the one right now that she doesn't feel completely comfortable. I know little kids don't understand what she is going through and they might point or laugh or talk. But adults, come on! The only thing I can do is educate others about this disorder, and maybe people will understand more. Anxiety is really more common than people think. A lot of people are ashamed of their anxiety or depression. For me, I want to shout that I am Bipolar 2, rapid cycling..... so everyone will know and there will be no worries. So I won't have to hide any more. I still have anxiety sometimes, especially when I started taking Bipolar meds again 3 weeks ago. It was terrible. My son has a mood disorder and ADHD...it runs in the family. I hope everyone understands that this is not fun and is pure living HELL...I am not saying that there are not worse things out there like cancer....my husband is a cancer survivor ( YAY!) But anxiety does feel like you are dying and losing control. It is one of those things where you have to actually live it to know what I am talking about.

Back to my daughter...(isn't she a sweet thing?)

I really want to teach her how to overcome her challenges...she has had a very hard life (balance problems included and speech.. had to go to therapy a good part of her life) and now this. Her speech has improved, but she still needs some help. I hate how people or kids stare at her when she talks like she is an alien...cause she talks like a baby when she can't pronounce things...she is a very beautiful girl who has challenges and I am very proud of how far she has come! She can actually read now! That is awesome! This is the first year that she can read. She is not perfect, but getting there. She was so self-conscious of that. I think she has great teachers at Galm, cause no one else can teach her like that. Not even me, cause I am not a good teacher. I keep getting side-tracked (that is either the mania in me or ADD, can't tell). Right now we are working on how she breaths when she has an attack. I think my experience and talking her through it really helps so much. There are things that I want to point out that makes it worse: things going fast around (too much stimulation), people talking to ya during an episode, tiredness, inferiority, people staring at you, and your own body symptoms during an attack. Most people don't know about these and when you are talking to us trying to cheer us up, well it is not working. Only if they are with a safe person does it help. When I say safe person, I mean a close friend, parent (in Jess' case), my hubby (or daddy), etc. Because it is just plain embarrassing with anyone else. One other thing that I want to mention is that distraction helps! I had to teach my husband this. He would talk to me and make me laugh or show me things to take my mind off of it. Sometimes acknowledging it helps too. In Jessicas' case, her tummy muscles tighten up so much and the nervousness that she gets nautious and throws up. That is normal, and she is not sick. She is usually better afterwards, but still dizzy and very very tired like she can fall asleep right there. I get that way too and I have to leave right away sometimes. That is why when this happens to her at an event or out in public, I have to leave right away. I usually end up carrying her out to the car where she feels safe. Cause she will end up throwing up. It never fails. I do have her tough it out when I think is appropriate. I don't baby her or give her the idea that she can't handle it.  Today when she was dizzy though, after she threw up, I made her get up and get the patch that she earned in Girl Scouts..well I tried, but bad idea cause she threw up. I knew she was going to by the look on her face and she was putting her hand on her mouth. Bad call mom. I try to teach her to deal with it and not escape everything. If she learns this now, then she won't have to endure the pain that I went through. She is not good in crowds or around a lot of people, and I understand that. I couldn't even go in a freaking mall and now I can. It took me 18 years of my life to understand mine and overcome it.  I could not work.  I just want for people to be aware of people that have disadvantages or challenges in life that they have to live with every day. We are no different than other people...well let me re-phrase that. We are ALL different, but the same. If that makes sense. Please don't treat us like aliens. Cause people look at us that way. That is how I feel in San Antonio, but I know it is because we are not from here, so people notice that and are curious of what we are like. Well, that is what I was told anyways. Sounds like people are very stuck up, either that or ignorant. I don't want my daughter to grow up like I did hating every one else because of the way I was treated or looked at. It is not their fault for their stupidity, or ignorance. It is my fault for not letting them know and educating them. I guess we are ALL stuck up human beings, because I had too much ego to explain. (In my mind it was shamefulness...is that a word?) Underneath all that cowardness I am strong! lol. Well I think my daughter is going to be one tough cookie just like me. Our life is big enough to write a book about. 'Till next time!

It has been a long time...

I thought that I would write a blog after I saw my dear friend writing her heart out and I see that it helps her! I just have so much on my mind and my plate right now...I need to do something with it. We (me and the kids) are at our apartment in San Antonio, Texas and we have had  some tough times, but overall I think we are dealing pretty well. I am actually surprised at how well we are dealing. I really miss my husband and the kids do too. That is nothing new with being a military wife. I almost have all the boxes unpacked, but still the house in unorganized and doesn't feel as organized as it did in Lemoore. I still don't know where I put stuff. It is really hard. I am doing things slowly, since the kids are in school now and I have so much other things to worry about.

I had my Gastro appt. and the doctor was really nice and to the point. I was really tired that day cause I don't get that much sleep. I had just found out my husband has skin cancer and had been obsessing over that and also wondering if I do too. My mind starts to go crazy when I hear something like that and then I start googling things that I have never thought of before and my mind is just a mess. Well the gastro doctor wants to do a bunch of tests. The Fructose Breath Test, the Lactose Breath Test, an Endoscopy Procedure, and a Colonoscopy Procedure. 2 of them I need someone to drive me. He said that if the tests come out negative I might have to go back on my Xanax for Anxiety or the low-dose anti-depressant or some other things. I told him back in Dec. I had stopped my meds. My symptoms for my stomach didn't happen until March. when we found out Jason was retiring and I was obsessing over if I will be able to pay the bills or not. I have appts. for the kids to deal with their issues. I really hope it helps. They will see a Psychologist seperately. Jessicas' is for her anxiety and Devins is for his ADHD and also for his behavior. I am thinking he might have a mood disorder like me. But I would like to get to the bottom of what is bothering him instead of trying to cover it up with meds. He won't talk to me about things and he fights me every chance. I am having a tough time with him just about every day. When I think he is having a good day, things go to shit. He doesn't want to make an effort, and I can't force him.My husbands answer is to beat the shit out of him, but he won't do it himself. He doesn't know all the stress I go through with him. I do pop him in the mouth when he talks back or get in his face when he does wrong. There is no being nice with my son. He intentionally lies about things and makes up stories. Sometimes I don't even know if he knows he is doing it. He does the opposite of what I tell him to do. I just can't take it any more. I have not been the kind of parent that lets him get away with things. In fact, I ride his ass most of the time. It is complicated.

With all these appts. now, how am I gonna get a job soon. Jess is also being evaluated for PT/OT. Maybe I should just stop taking care of the kids and take care of our finances and get the damn job and forget about everything else. I already applied for a few places and then I was like, "fuck it". What did I do making all these doc appts. Really bad timing. We are basically out of money for the exception of me saving for retirement and putting money in savings for when my honey is out of a job. Still it won't be enough though. I have never been good at the finances. I don't know why my hubby relies on me to do it. Seems like ever since I got off my meds in Dec. things have been going to shit for me. I made us more into debt, mess up on the check book here and there and make silly finance diecisions. I think I need to go back on them but hubby doesn't want me to. He says I am way better without them. I am because I haven't had the dizziness that prevented me from working in the  first place and I am more stable with taking care of myself and the kids and the whole shabang. But the finances need a little help, and with my Bipolar little head, it just isn't working and I have no help. Everything is just left on my shoulders. I know I think I know what I am doing most of the time, but sometimes I need help.

Today was just one of those moments for me. I was getting on Devin about things and I lost it. My mind just keeps on going...my mouth just keeps on going. I end up in a rampage hating everyone, including myself. Cause I know that I didn't mean most of those things. When I get in a Bipolar rampage, there is no stopping me. Until I crash and burn and do care any more. That is what happened afterwards. I got depressed and just tried to sleep it off, as if it were a bad dream. Then I feel guilty. It is me being crazy agiain. I don't know how to stop it. If I were taking meds, I think it would help me.

Anyways, the kids need me. I need to cook for them and clean and tell them to take baths. Get groceries for them. I am tired, tired of it all. Not taking care of them, but the struggling to do it. I have run out of energy. Well, my real friends will understand all of this. The ones that do not, i don't care, cause you aren't my friends. I had an old church friend text me today. It seems like she only wants to know the bad details of my life and not know how i am really doing. She seemed like she wanted to dig into it by asking all kinds of personal questions. Are you and your hubby together still? Do you like it in Texas? So I told her exactly what I thought.Damn people need to stop being so nosey.

Thought I would write in the blog...

Don't know I I avoid writing in this thing. Writing about my feelings has never been my strong point. But here goes. We have come a  long way with our move process. My husband said they gave him his paperwork for living in the barracks, so we know now that he has a place to stay when he comes back here to California. He is doing his medical for retirement and he has a lot of appointments in the next couple of weeks. So today he is getting an MRI on his knee. Funny, cause I didn't know he had anything wrong with his knee, but after talking with his doc, they wanted to check it out. I am wondering about his wrist that is swelling and the sore that won't go away more though.

I don't know why I am having my stupid appointments for a GI doc and an orthopedic doc right before i leave. I hope they can help me right now, cause I don't have the time for this. My mind is racing to get things done. My PCM thinks I may have Irritible Bowel Disease and that may be why my ankles are swelling and hurting. I hope that is the case. Seems to fit though.

My daughter I am worried about though. I hope she is not going to have many more problems with this move. Since she was dx with anxiety and of course cause her mother has it, she is going to worry a lot more than others. She is fidgeting a lot more than usual, and picking at her scabs and tooth she feels is loose. She is asking a lot more questions and wanting to spend more time with me. She is really clingy right now and wants to be with me all the time even though she says she loves Dad more, lol. Even though I get mad at her a lot for being this way. I would handle it better if she wasn't constantly crowding me. I know she is more anxious now of the unknown, and i talk alot to her about it. Because I know if I don't, her symptoms will be a lot worse, and I will get a call from her school every day to go get her because she is dizzy or throwing up. No one knows what I go through with her. And thanks everyone for the support and telling me to relax, breathe and take things slow, but that is all i am doing right now. I could be panicking or reacting like i used to, but i am different. I wish people could see that. But that is not the point.

Devin is stressed and having a hard time understand why I had mother-daughter time with her for 2 days and why I am spending more time with her. I know he understands, and he gets tired of me saying that he is the older one. So he gets jealous a lot of her, and tries to take it out on her by hurting her or teasing or irritating her. I know how to handle that with my kids. That is the easy part. I think I discipline them very well. Devin has to wash the dishes by hand now, since he doesn't want to rinse them off to put them in the dishwasher. I opened it up and found a whole mess of food in there. We already went through one dishwasher because of that, and the last time, it was fixed with running bleach in there and then vinegar. But next time, they are going to make us pay for it. So I spend a while teaching him how to do them by hand. I was going to tell him the other day that we can switch up his chore with something else, but he didn't want to hear what i had to say, so I changed my mind. He will learn some day. I also told him that with each chore, he has to spend at least 30 minutes doing it, if not more to get it done. So if there is not much dishes, he has to find something else to do for that chore until the 30 minutes is up whether it is cleaning out the cuboards or stacking the dishes better or scrubbing the sink. Cause he wants to rush through it and make careless mistakes. That was the word of the day for him. And if he fails to do it properly, I add on 15 min. That ought to show him how pissed i was.

So anyways, back with the move. I am not anywhere near done preparing for this as I want to be. I have things that pop in my head that I have not done yet. I have my list of things to do, but it seems to get longer as I remember. My husbands work schedule has changed again. He goes at 1:30-2pm and gets off around 11:30pm. Comes home around 12:30 am. I like this better, but wish i had another pair of hands. I try to explain to the kids that one of us has to work to make money. I know my youngest doesn't understand this and wants him home all the time. She has severe anxiety issues. I might seek a therapist for her when we get settled in Texas. I am just glad that I don't have to deal with anxiety or dizziness. The last time I felt that way was Dec. 2010 and am thankful that it went away, but it is affecting my little girl. I have had it since I was a teenager, but she has had it since 9 months old! At least I can tell her how to deal with it. She will know my little secrets how to control anxiety. I am such an expert on that now, lol.

Gosh, I am often getting distracting with things, cause I noticed that in the last paragraph i was going to talk about the move again and I ended up talking about something else. I guess my subconscious thoughts are showing up. I know we will get through this part. The next stage in our moving process is what i am worried about. The finding a job and getting kids into school. Will I be able to find a job or will be living in poverty? My kids have never experienced this and don't want them to. I just hope I am able to handle it. But like someone said, you will be surprised at what can happen in a stressful situation. Everything will work out. Can't stop thinking also that we will have double the bills after we move because my husband will be in California on the base living in the barracks and we will be in Texas. They said they are taking away his food money and giving him a chow card. wow. Then also, we will be paying for double the gas, his groceries, our groceries, his cell phone, ours, and everything else he needs. I hope he will let me know what he takes out.Well, I think I will end this now, hope you all have a good day!

Update and having a really hard time...

My family and I have been under a lot of stress lately. We have still not moved. I am trying to pay off bills, but they keep piling up! Today the van sounded funny. Just like it did before the transmission went out. I am really worried. I am also worried because I haven't had my period for about 2 weeks now. Maybe it is the stress? Let's hope so. I have been praying to God that we will be ok. I miss having a husband who I can be happy with and share my thoughts with. But we are both heading in the wrong direction and don't know where to turn. I wish we can support each other on this, but it is sooooo hard right now. I hope God has a plan for us, cause of not we are in deep crap.

Fear of the Unknown...

I feel like my life has turned upside-down since last month when my husband didn't make chief, and now we are facing a move... we didn't know for a while where we were going to move and we were forced to "think quick"... My mom and half-brother and sister live in Florida, my sister and her family live in Arkansas, my husbands mom and step-dad live in Tennesse, and his sisters also live there with their families. His dad and step-mom also live in Tennessee. My aunt and some cousins live in San Diego and other aunt lives in Oceanside. My biological dad (whom i am not close with) lives in Colorodo. But we chose not to live in those areas. A lot of people here are moving to Texas and lots of people say it is great there. It does have tornadoes and is very hot. We were forced to learn about home-buying and loans and realators. I know we should have done this before the fact, but that didn't happen. We have had a lot of problems financially on both are parts, and have been paying on those. This pay-day I payed almost $1,000 on Credit Cards. We don't have money in savings, which makes this move very hard. Our van broke down and were forced to pay for another used transmission and that was $2,200. It is still in the shop and won't get it back till maybe Wed. of next week. We can't afford to trade it in or sell it cause we can't afford a car payment and a house payment. But i want to get another one within a year cause i predict the van will go bad again. We are driving Jason's car right now and it has no windows that roll up. It is raining today, so my friend is picking us up tomorrlw to take the kids to school. On top of that, the desktop computer gets a virus and wipes out the hard-drive. The external drive that was hooked up to it gets the virus too and says it doesn't have my pictures on it. The wireless doesn't work either, so i am dealing with my little netbook. I downgraded the Comcast that has cable, internet and phone, so now we have no long-distance, and only basic cable and 3 MB internet speed. Was looking for ways to save money so we can start saving. Guess that was a bad move. We are supposed to be flying to Texas to meet a realator to look for houses...supposed to be looking for plane tickets, but i haven't yet. Been worrying about the recent happenings on base. Two people died in a jet crash yesterday around noon...that was very sad. I pray for their families and hope they can get through this. Also, there might be a government shut-down if they approve it tomorrow by midnight. I am beyond going looney about this news. If this happens, Jason will only get paid for one week this next pay day. That will be about $800. There will be no home loans and lots of things on base will be shut down. I guess the schools will resume and the bank. The government websites will close also. My head has been spinning with questions and unknown answers to those questions that i have. How will we move if the military can't pay for it? Will the base let us live here still? Will our bills get paid? I just don't know. I know there are worse things that could happen and Japan is in a crisis right now. I just don't want to be homeless. I have a big fear of the unknown. Me and my husband have been fighting about decisions left and right. But things are fine now. I try to have a sense of humor about things. But my anxiety has been getting the best of me. I feel like a lunatic! lol. I have been so distracted. The house is not being payed attention to. I find every day to be hard to deal with. I have been staying up night after night, worrying and researching. Most of it before was worrying about the move and where we will go.Looking for houses and stuff. Now it is worrying about the shut down. I just cant take this any more. Even benadryl won't help me. Why am i fearing the unknown so much when others take things in strides? The stress is put on me to move. I feel so stupid for not being prepared. Why was i so stupid? My life is upside-down. I don't feel as secure as i felt before. I know, at least we have our health and each other. I mjust can't help to feel scared. I am glad the weekend is here so i can relax and deal with this. Be with my family. Well, pray that all will be good tomorrow.

Just me blogging...

Since I haven't blogged in a while, I dont know where to start... so what is going on in my life? Well, there are several things... One big thing that is on my mind is that I am trying to get my 6 year old back in therapy and have been dealing with the insurance on that. They keep referring us to places that don't work with children, so she is going back to Childrens Hospital in Fresno. They were really good with her and I think hit it right on the nose of what is going on with her... I just hope it works out this time because she hasn't been in for so long. We have to play catch up. But my daughter I worry about her all the time. Sometimes I think she is doing really good, and other times, I wish she hadn't stopped therapy. I think a lot of people would have given up by now.

Speaking of Jess, we have our hands full with her.. she has a personality of her own right now and I think she is learning from others and being a big smart-butt when she says things. She doesn't respond to the word "no." She would do things even though we tell her not to..she insists on doing things her way.. I am worried that she may have some OCD traits that she got from my side of the family. Her dad thinks it is from him, but I don't know..I can't turn my back on her because she will go and reorganize my stuff or think that she is helping to clean up, when really she isn't. I have to pay attention to where things are because then it will become missing. She will do it behind my back and put things where she wants it. Again, she reorganized the magnets and stuff on the fridge without me notticing. I am not sure how to punish her for these things... she seems to mean well.

My son is doing fine...we got to spend time together while my daughter and hubby were at booth sales for GS. We were bored, but just sitting and talking. I really do wish we could go out and spend money on some memories with the family, but we need to pay bills...I am sorry I seem to be always busy cleaning...it is a lot of house to cover, and I do bitch about people cleaning up their messes 'cause I wouldn't be taking time away from them if everyone just pitches in to help clean their own stuff...

I have been going through my scrapbook room cleaning that up...it was piling up out the door. I brought up stuff from downstairs and put it in there and thought I should clean it up before the hubby complains. I always have that thought in my head too about being a pack-rat like mother, so I try to steer clear of that. But cleaning out my scrap room sure does get me motivated to start scrapping again. That would be fun. I go through my pictures in that room and reminise about old times and the pics of my kids when they were babies make me think. I think I am almost done organizing it...well, I might have a few hours to go...then to organize the pictures, ugh. And I have so many on the computer, it is not even funny. But I have to take the steps to organize it or it will never get done. They say to start from the most current pictures, but what if I take some after that? Ugh. The point is that I want to put out albums for my kids to look at all the great memories. And I want to put on out of when my hubby was on the boat going over seas. All his navy days. I want him to have something in his hand to show him that it was all "worth it!" That all these navy days didn't go by and he didn't have anything to show for it. I want to show him that I am a good navy wife that will not just sit on her butt while he earns the money. I want to make the memories last. But how? They are going by so quickly? Soon he will be out...then on to the next chapter in out lives...

Well sorry for the rant, just getting carried away, lol. It is getting late and as I write this, my daughter, my son and my husband are all fast asleep while I worry about tomorrow or the next day... it is hard doing what we do. I have to find a way to be proud of who I am and enjoy each moment. I find that hard to do.

One more thing that is bothering me...ok, maybe two, lol. I have to decide between the IUD, the ablation or a hysterectomy to ease some of the PMDD symptoms I have been feeling. Second, while moving the furniture last week, I injured myself and it hurts to walk. I am waiting to go to my physical therapist next week. Hopefully everything will be alright. I know it will...well, it was good to get all this out...

Racing Mind...

Well, it is really hard to tell when a gal goes Manic, cause I can't tell until I am in the midst of it and have already done the damage. I really am debating on whether or not to go back on meds..I was reading about the different kinds of meds and they have pretty nasty side effects. The reasons why I stopped in the first place. I don't know if i can go through that again. I don't think so. I like walking to and from places. Those meds make me so dizzy. Guess I have to keep trucking on! I didn't get much sleep last night. Only 3 1/2 hrs. I could not get my busy mind to stop and felt I had so much to do. Well today I am going to try to relax (maybe sleep) and then take son to appt. later. We had a very eventful Valentines Day yesterday. I will write about it later (if I get around to it). Well have to finish getting the kids ready for school :)
Annie

Mood Disorders

I want to write about my mood disorder. There is nothing bothering me more than this right now. I haven't had anxiety in a while, except the typical nervousness..I need to stop smoking, lol. But I haven't got dizzy in a while, and I am really thankful for that. Most of my life I have gotten that way, and this is a miracle. That is the reason why I don't want to go back on meds right now. I am trying my hardest to not do that, but it is really hard and I need the help from my friends and family to keep me sane and happy.

My mood right now is terrible and it gets me in trouble a lot with friends and family. I would snap at them and be horrible and be mean. The next I would be nice. I hate that. I am so sorry to all that have had this happen to. I feel really awful. If I could take back anything, it would be this. Also, I wish I could learn to "give" more to those I love. I am horrible at that. But right now, I wish I could smile more and forget about how depressed I am. Since my parents have mood problems myself, and I am not sure exactly what they have, it is hard to help myself. My biological dad, who I didn't know very well and only met him once since I was 3, has OCD. He is a "checker" and I have talked with him somewhat about it, but that doesn't help because I didn't really know him when he was like that. He takes meds for it. I don't get along with him on phone or email because to me he is just wierd and we would get into arguments over stupid stuff or he would say that I am having a fit. He lives in Colorodo. My mom, who lives in Florida, is a massive hoarder, and I think I very well get my moodiness from her. She is like super mean and abusive. She told me that depression is a weakness, and I cried my eyes out when she told that to me, cause she is my mom. I can't believe she said tha to me. My mom, is a piece of work. She abused me when I was a kid, and she said terrible things to me. She called me evil. But now that I look back, she was herself. And I see where I get my meanness from. I told my husband, I can't help it the way I am. I try really hard not to hurt people (physically or emotionally). But it feels like it is in my blood. It is just the way I am. And it hurts. So, I am trying my hardest to learn from this. Even though my mind is saying otherwise, I want to do good. It is hard when you have a mood disorder. I feel like the people around me are looking at me strange and I feel paranoid. Sometimes I am very outgoing and can talk to anyone and I am so happy at that point in time. But othertimes, I fall into this deep depression and I don't even know myself at that time. It feels like I am in another body. But I know I am not crazy. I just have a mood disorder. People think that people who have mood disorders are crazy, but they are not. I don't go out killing people. I just want to be normal.

So me and my family took our daughter to see Justin Biebers' movie, "Never Say Never" yesterday and it was so good. I didn't know how a little boy can be so talented. He is so fast and good with those drums and the singing was incredible. I wish I could have saw Backstreet Boys or NSync or New Kids on the Block when I was younger, but I never saw anyone. I was too shy. But for Jessica, I have never seen a little kid (6 years old) be so happy about a singing sensation and she is so excited about him. And so am I because I love that he makes her smile. So I want to take her to see Justin at one of his concerts when he comes her *again*. Or we will just have to go to where he is, lol. Because this would be my little girls dream. Crazy, huh? But until then, we will just have to wait.

But back to the mood disorder, I have a lot of insight with these things, since I major in Psychology and actually graduated college. That was my #1 goal. Since I was having the dizziness, I wasn't able to do the things that I wanted to do like get a job. But now that that part of my life is over (for now), who knows? Maybe writing this blog (I wish I would do it more instead of hiding my feelings) will help me overcome whatever it is that is holding me back. I don't get to talk to my therapist for that long. My friends (I think) already think I am crazy and my hubby, well I think he does too, but doesn't want to admit it. I am so thankful that he has stayed with me this long (12 years). I treat him so bad at times, and I can't live with that.

Oh, I wanted to talk about depersonalization or feeling numb to the point of not being able to have close relationships with people. Well, that is how I feel right now. It comes and goes. I guess I put a block up and don't let anyone get close. But how do I rip it down? I don't know. I don't feel close to anyone really..Now how is that? I can't feel that connection with my kids mainly. I don't know if Devin is going through that transition to becoming a teen or not (he is 11), but he doesn't want to talk to me much or he won't answer anything that I ask him. And I feel balistic when that happens. I don't know what to do. I mean for important stuff that I need to know. There is that controlling side of me that wants to make him talk...yeah. Well, I have to learn to not be so controlling. Gosh, my mom was that way. We are having family meetings, every Friday. It was Jasons' suggestion. I think it is a great idea. I wonder where he gets those from *sigh, lol* We had one yesterday, and I think it went well and the kids came up with great ideas. Until, Devin pissed me off with mimicking me. I can not stand for him doing that and why does he think he can? Well guess it is just one more thing I have to learn about kids his age. *sigh, lol* I am in for a long ride, lol.

Well, today I am doing ok..Jessica went with her dad to the "World Thinking Day" at the Lemoore High School for the Girl Scouts! I wanted to go! But I guess siblings aren't allowed, so I am staying here watching Devin. Not until he turns 12 will I let him stay here that long by himself. *Maybe* So I am thinking about doing laundry and some stuff around here. I just can not just sit on my butt. I wouldn't feel productive. And the house would be a mess. But I am so watching the Grammy Awards tomorrow! Oooh. Justin Bieber will be performing, and my fave singers, Eminem and others. I have also been watching American Idol! Haha. It is so good, I think, because I like the judges now. And the singers are so good! Ha. I love singing too and will do it when I am alone to my hearts content, lol. But guess I will write more later and better go do some stuff! Oh yeah, I wish people were actually reading my blogs...and comment. *Hint* Maybe they can learn something from me..I am not a bad person. I just have bad times, like everyone else..Hehe. BTW, I love you BFF. Thanks for being there for me. Wish I had more support from other people like I do from you and hubby. You are the best!

Just need to vent..

Well, my anxiety is coming back and I don't know why. I realized it is not because of what I am thinking...I just seem to have the genes for it. I have it when I am really tired and don't get enough sleep. If only I could get to bed in time. It is not that easy. After the kids go to bed, and if they go to bed on time at 8pm, I have to clean up the mess downstairs..The dogs toys, any mess that the kids made, the dishes, etc. I would have the kids clean up their mess every single time, but when it is close to bed, I just don't do it. It is very frustrating. It is like we are rushing to go to bed all the time. Then when I finally sit down at the computer at night, I don't get to enjoy it or play any games..it is just checking my email mostly. Sometimes I just dawdle on there, cause I am so tired. Then before I know it, it is way past my bedtime. So I know the reason why I am so scared of my anxiety. It feels so frightening at the time! It makes you feel nervous, even though there is nothing to be nervous about. Then you start thinking about it all the time because you feel it. It just goes in circles. I notice this because I haven't had it for at least a month, which is a blessing for me. And now that I go into a store or walk out in puplic I start to feel it and I don't know why. Tiredness. And I can't tell anyone cause I know they won't understand. I don't want their sympathy. Anyways, that is what is bugging me right now.

I had to whip Devins' butt today because of his freaking attitude and giving me back-talk. Last night he hit his sister and she fell. Just because (I guess) she hit him, he felt he had to hit her. He said that he isn't going to let her hit him and him not hit her back..Urg. He is freaking 11 years old, and she is 6. He needs to stop taking it in his hands and tell me about it, first of all. 2nd of all, he is much older than her and she is just learning. He needs to stop acting like he is so tough. Anyways, these kids are getting too spoiled and getting away with things, it was long overdue. I hate when my friends kids get away with acting like a brat and like they don't know any better and get away with it. My son got hit by someone else son and also got his nose rubbed in the carpet (called a head plant?, whatever) and he gets away with it! Urg. These stupid parents. I went over there because my son has a big knot on the side of his face and red marks or skid marks on his nose like he got in a bike accident and she does NOTHING about it! Doesn't even talk to him while we were there. Makes Devin feel like shit and makes him feel like it is his fault. Oh, Devin, so what do you think I should do? Bullshit. Now he really feels like he was respected then. Well, even though he is his best friend, he is not going over there without one of us. I had to make that hard decision. She says oh it is his only friend. He never invites anyone else over. Well if he wants to keep his only friend, then he better treat him right, and he already lost that.

Well, I better end this and do some things around the house..have to go to Walmart with Terrie after I pick up Jess..can't wait till dad gets home on Friday. He said that they might extend it a couple days though. That is the navy for ya. Always doing that at the last minute.

Son Sick Again...

Well, at around 12:30am Devin woke me up saying that he threw up again. So that means I only got an hour sleep, but that is ok...I went in there and cleaned up the mess and am doing some laundry...almost out of comforters! He took a bath and said it made him feel better. While he was taking a bath, I took the opportunity to talk to him about yesterday. I felt bad for getting so mad about little things. I said that it was just one of those days where I felt like I couldn't control myself. So when that happens, I said we need to go to our rooms and cool off and then come back to what we were doing. If we can't feel like we can be nice to each other, then we need a time out. Even mommy, lol. I said mommy hasn't been getting the sleep she needs, which can also contribute to it. He understood.

I feel so bad sometimes because of the way that I deal with Devin. I have no patience when it comes to him, cause it seems like he is always doing something wrong. I can't give him multiple directions or anything because he can only remember one thing at a time..he does things very slowly and takes everything so litterally..And then he gets side-tracked while he is doing these things and starts talking about something and forgets about what he is doing. Sometimes I think he has bipolar cause his mind will be running and running, and it seems like he will try to keep up with it by talking, so he will be talking alot and so fast. He thinks about anything and everything and has tons of questions! This is all good, but he brings things up at the wrong time (when I am doing something or running up and down the stairs, when it is bed time, or when I am dead tired). He is very smart and detailed and can remember things that I can't, but when he talks he can go on and on. His ADHD medicine wasn't in his system yesterday because of him throwing up. He normally would be more focused during the day and get a lot more accomplished. Without it he is a lot more sillier and bouncing off the walls. This is what I don't get. He says that he doesn't think his medicine is working! I see a big difference in him. Others think he is normally quiet or has good behavior, because they don't see him when he is off of his meds. I wish they only knew. Since he has a processing problem also, it makes it so hard to deal.

I came across this message board about Sotos Disease...I know it sounds off-the-wall, but when Devin was born, he looks just like the baby in the picture with Sotos Disease...He was born a big baby...10 lbs. 6.7 oz and a lady said that her doc thought she had gestational diabetes when she was pregnant, but she didn't. That is just like me. Devin had (and still does) a very large head/forehead. He had the exact type of budy that the baby does, and how the baby looks like he is looking downward..he has prisms in his glasses that helps with this. The only part that I don't think fit him was that these people grew to be very tall and thin. I think. Devin still has a short stature. But these people also had big hands/feet, which Devin doesn't. I thought I finally found something that explains why Devin was so big at birth and why he is having all the problems with his temper, cause it says that these kids will have behavior problems. Well, it is something to think about...or to ask his doctor.

So with Devin and I, I need to open up that line of communication with him again :) Sometimes I get so caught up with what I am doing or feeling, that I forget how to connect with my kids. I need to grow some empathy, cause I think I lost it when I became mom/dad! LOL. Seriously, playing the part of mom/dad is a tough role when your spouse is not here and you have to be the person that makes rules and reinforces them. Otherwise, the kids will walk all over you and run your life. I have seen this many times with families (even my own) and the kids learn nothing. They just learn how to be dependant on others to take care of them. I want to teach my kids how to take care of themselves in the real world. Of course I do it age appropriately. Devin already knows how to cook some easy things over the stove, and use the microwave and oven. I will not let him use the stove/oven when I am not here though, unless I feel he is old enough and mature enough. He knows how to use the dishwasher and basically knows how to turn on the washer and dryer..he knows how to help his sister, but that just backfires, because they always end up fighting and Devin gets so frustrated with her. They end up in a screaming fest. I don't think I can ever leave them alone together, lol. He knows how to get the mail by himself and how to take his own shower. He knows our phone number and address. He loses his sense of direction though if he was outside trying to find our house..He can walk home from school, but he would get lost if he would go another direction that he is not familiar with. He has done it before. The only thing I am trying to work on with him is to just do things without asking me so much and use his own judgement..if it is something that he can do or learn for himself. I encourage him to figure it out. He always asks me about everything, and he needs to just learn it for himself, or he never will. This drives me nuts because he depends on me so much to tell him to do the things that he should be telling himself to do. It scares me because I was never taught how to do most things that I am doing now and if it is taking me all these years to learn how to do things by myself, then I don't want him to go through that. I think for us it takes a while to learn things. But I think he is getting a head-start and will know how to do a lot of things before he has to live on his own. Jessica is very independant already and acts like she is grown up and a teenager already, lol. She makes her bed and cleans her room by herself without being told. She gets herself dressed before anybody else. We even got her deoderant to use (even though she doesn't need it, lol). She is a lot more organized than her brother, but I need to look through her things a lot, because she will keep things that she doesn't need, or that will stink up her room, lol, like food. She is a pack-rat. So all-in-all, I think the kids are turning out great, but need to work on some things.

Jason plans on going back to Key West in Feb and March for the navy. He will be very busy. Sometimes I think that he is getting ready to go on cruise, lol. Seems like it. But he is on shore duty! We thought this squadron would be a lot better, but it isn't. We say that about every one of them though. Sorry this is so long, I hope I didn't bore you. Some issues need to be talked about and dealt with..esp. when my best friend and partner for life is not here so I can talk his ear off, lol. I love you honey and I can't wait to see you.

Now my mood swings...

Well, I have a sick child today, so have to get a doctors note to say I am not lying about it, lol. When I was driving him there, he started puking in the van and we had to go home and they gave me a hard time about rescheduling it..but we did.

I have been so good about controlling my mood swings, but today was the worst. I am so irritated that I could see myself kicking the dog if he didn't shut up or see myself getting violent. Anyone talking or any noise will set me off. I thought it was my monthly coming along, but hubby informed me that I had it before he left...my memory is not so good. So I feel like going to my room and not talking to anyone so I won't offend others if I get too snappy on them.. I noticed it was coming on the last few days, but didn't realize. So now I don't feel like doing crap today, but I have to. How do you manage Bipolar without medicine? Is it impossible?

I feel like a rage is going through me..Please don't talk to me or something might happen... I am unable to control it right now..No one knows what is going on in my head. Well, I was reading on how to manage it and seems like I need to get a lot more sleep than I am now to manage it. Then there is the exersize part..need to manage the stress. I think I can do this..after the rage part sets in, then comes the low part where I get depressed and that is happening now..I wish it could just be my period where it comes and then goes...not this time..

Things I Need to Work On..

Even though I have been having anxiety-free days, I still have a lot that I need to work on. I need to work on my communication with others, which is my biggest problem right now...I have been a lot more irritable with people and I don't know why..it could be lots of reasons just being a woman, but I just quit smoking 2 weeks ago and meds a month ago. I have usually been on a mood stabilizer to even out my mood. Maybe that is why I am such a grump? I feel so much better physically and mentally though..I think this is something that I can deal with ?! Haha. Well, when the kids ask me if I could do something and I am busy at the moment, how can I handle it differently then get mad at them? Haha. Yeah, I am in a snappy mood.. I need a chill pill..but my kids still need a mom who can be there for them, even though I am there a lot more for them now than I was before because I don't feel so ill! Sorry this is a terrible blog to write about, but I need to deal with this issues so that I can do things better....I need to stop avoiding things that are bothering me. There are quite a few things bothering me, actually...some things, I can not tell what they are...I try and not be a nit-picker, and let every single little thing bug me...but the truth is, some people just bug me..

Sorry it has been so long...

So we are into the new year now and still need to pack away the Christmas tree...we have everything else packed and put away...Jason is on a 3 wk. det in El Centro and won't be back for another couple of weeks! We have had our tough times since he has been gone...it has been rough and he has been only gone a week. They say that as soon as your hubby leaves, that is when things startbto happen Well, that is true. Already the van had issues with the radiator, and had to be taken to 2 different shops before it was properly diagnosed...it is hard to find someone you can trust with your vehicle..and I think I have found them! :)

Oh, the things that can happen as soon as he leaves...the van has troubles, Jessica looses her 1st tooth at 6 years old, Jessica passed her sight word exam and got 35/40 right, Devin got an A on his book report that he did by himself, and his grade moved up to a C, and Jason and I have this challenge to see if he can make an effort to contact me more while he is gone, whether it be email, phone or text. So far, he is doing great! We just need to work on our communication...we had a couple times of misscommunication and had a fight...I would try to give him the silent treatment, but it WOULD NOT work for the life of me, lol. I can not NOT talk to him if my life depended on it, cause I could never stay mad at him for that long...this is how our love is, and why it lasts...sure, I feel like I never gat a break from him, even when he does leave, but it is hard to not hear his voice every day.

I can't believe that he will be going to Key West in February, and then in March also..Such is the navy life. He takes his Chief exam this Thursday which will ultimately decide our fate of the future...who knows if he will still be in the navy, or if we will be packing getting ready to go on a long journey to our new destination and new chapter in our life! This has been a crazy life full of ups and downs, and I am super glad that I got to spend it all with you...my loves, my passion, my world...

I am super hapy that I don't have to deal with all that medicine that I was on..it was totally making me into a person I didn't want to be. The only medicine I am on is Synthroid, and I am also starting to take some vitamins to help me with energy! I take Green Tea, Omega 3's, vitamin D and Iron, as suggested by my thyroid doctor! I feel like I am a whole new person now and stronger. I haven't had any panic attacks to deal with, and I have dealt with them for years! I have gone to the mall, and other stores, and to the movies all without hubby and did it all on my own without anxiety.. I have even dealt with homelife with me and the kids (and the pets)..The kids bickering is endless (as a matter-of-fact, they are doing it right now! LOL). I even quit smoking and I should be more nervous, but I am not...my new motive is to just not think about it, and to think positive! I am not saying that I don't have anxious thoughts once in a while..they do happen..I am just dealing with it better!

So I am ready to get down and boogy with 2011 and take on even more challenges...thinking about going back to school so I can get a job wherever we decide to live..so I can help out with money..